I lost myself in her again but I don't care
Even when I'm all alone she's standing there
So I lie awake and I waste away
To disappear for a moment
Even when I'm all alone she's standing there
So I lie awake and I waste away
To disappear for a moment
--------------
"Jett Cass Simon."
Lyric pointed to a baby inside an incubator, behind glass doors. Behind glass walls. Because when a baby is born at 35 weeks, you don't get to take them home right away. You don't even get to spend every moment with them.
Lyric's labor and birth had been fairly easy, besides baby Jett being born 5 weeks early.
Cassius squinted his eyes, pressing onto his toes. He gave up after a moment, dropping his eyes to Lyric's tiny form. She didn't even look like she'd just given birth.
"I can't even see his face. Does he look like you?"
Lyric shrugged.
"Well, he looks like a tiny martian human at the moment with dark hair. It could go either way."
Eden snorted and wrapped an arm around Lyric's shoulders.
"You did well, baby sister. I can't wait until he can come home and I can let him know that his aunt Eden loves him more than the rest of his aunts and uncles."
Lyric grinned in response as Eden let her go, Emma coming up to the group of them. She quickly pressed a kiss to Lyric's forehead, and Cassius' eyes widened. Apparently he wasn't aware the two of them were dating now.
Eden issued a tiny wave in Emma's direction, walking back down the hallway towards the waiting rooms. She needed a cigarette. And a shower. She hadn't slept since Lyric had been in the hospital. She was more concerned with being there for her.
Man, things really change.
It felt so weird to know that her baby sister had a child. That there was a new Simon generation. She hadn't thought that that would happen to any of them, anytime soon.
She approached the glass waiting room doors, catching a flash of two people inside. The voices leaking into the hallway were two she knew very, very well. She pressed herself against the wall next to the door, listening, but not visible.
"She'll be back any minute. It's not like she can avoid you forever."
Eden rolled her eyes at Atticus' voice, she had no idea what they were talking about at first, but it was clear that it was about her now. She waited for Xavier's response, tapping her foot quietly.
"She's confusing. It's not like I don't care about her, but I don't love her."
Eden sighed, rubbing her forehead with her fingers. She didn't love him either. That was not what she had meant when she had said what she did that night.
"Are you sure about that?"
Atticus' voice was disbelieving and if Eden had been in the room, she would have smacked him. He was searching, digging. It made her uncomfortable, and it also pissed her off.
"It's hard to love a girl who doesn't even know what the word means."
"Maybe, but it's not impossible."
"I don't want to be her next mistake."
Why do people even think for fifteen seconds that I even want to be in love? Or for anyone to love me. This is getting fucking ridiculous.
Eden made a big deal of shoving the door open, and both of the boys looked like children caught doing something horrible. She pulled a fake smile onto her lips and grabbed her bag off of the chair she had put it on.
"You two okay? You look like you just saw a ghost. Pretty sure no one has died."
She didn't wait for a response, and when the door closed behind her, she didn't wait around to listen to anything else those two had to say.
"Eden. Hey."
Xavier caught up to her so quickly, it was absurd. She turned to face him, her face composed.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I should probably keep walking. I don't speak to my mistakes anymore."
She pulled her bag up farther on her shoulder, continuing down the hallway. Xav didn't let her get far before he was right back at her side.
"You heard that?"
He looked nervous when she stopped to look at him again. She nodded, once, rolling her eyes.
"....What else did you hear?"
She shook her head, exasperated.
"Enough. But it's not a big deal, Xavier. I don't need your affection, or anything else for that matter.
You might not be my mistake, but I'm clearly yours."
He took the bag off of her shoulder, dropping it onto the floor next to her. Placing his hands on either side of her face, he brought his lips to hers, kissing her with an intensity she didn't remember ever being there before. She put her hands on his chest, anticipating the part where he pulled away in those first few seconds. But it didn't happen.
He backed her up against the wall and dropped his hands from her face to her hips. She couldn't think sharp enough to stop him, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to. When he finally broke away, his breath was still on her skin as he spoke.
"I think you're the best mistake I could make, Eden Simon."
His words sent electricity down her spine and she ran her teeth over her bottom lip, his taste still lingering there. Shouldn't that offend her? In some way?
It seemed to do the opposite. But that feeling wasn't reflected in the words she spoke.
"You have to stop kissing me."
His face went impassive as he straightened up, dropping his hands from her sides. But she didn't move hers.
"Give me a reason why."
She spoke without thinking, the words nowhere near the front of her brain the way they left her tongue.
"Because you're lying to yourself. And to me.
You're in love with me, so you can't keep kissing me."
His face was skeptical, pushing her hands off his chest and putting distance between them.
"I don't know what kind of messed up Eden logic that is, but you don't even know what that word means, let alone how I feel."
She crossed her arms over her chest, putting more of her weight into the wall behind her.
"Don't treat me like a fucking child. I'm not stupid. You may be unaware of it, but I can tell by the way you touch me. It's in your eyes, and in your smile.
You can think I am as ignorant as you want to, but I know what I see.
So you can't keep touching me, and showing up everywhere I am and trying to make me love you too. Because I can't."
He picked her bag up off of the ground, and handed it to her, his face back to the way it always was. A statue.
"You'd have to have vision to see."
It echoed in her head for a few seconds, and she wasn't sure how to respond. So she dropped her eyes to the ground and said nothing, letting the silence stretch out.
"But you know what? I'm not going to kiss you anymore. Not because I love you, but because I don't.
Thanks for reaffirming that for me."
His words echoed in the hallway long after he was gone, and Eden didn't move. Just put them on replay in her head until her legs shook from standing in the same spot for too long. Or maybe from something else.
But eventually, she made her way to her car, to her house, into her bed.
When sleep overtook her, the last thing that she heard was a door slamming somewhere downstairs, in time with the sound of her heart in her chest.
Lyric pointed to a baby inside an incubator, behind glass doors. Behind glass walls. Because when a baby is born at 35 weeks, you don't get to take them home right away. You don't even get to spend every moment with them.
Lyric's labor and birth had been fairly easy, besides baby Jett being born 5 weeks early.
Cassius squinted his eyes, pressing onto his toes. He gave up after a moment, dropping his eyes to Lyric's tiny form. She didn't even look like she'd just given birth.
"I can't even see his face. Does he look like you?"
Lyric shrugged.
"Well, he looks like a tiny martian human at the moment with dark hair. It could go either way."
Eden snorted and wrapped an arm around Lyric's shoulders.
"You did well, baby sister. I can't wait until he can come home and I can let him know that his aunt Eden loves him more than the rest of his aunts and uncles."
Lyric grinned in response as Eden let her go, Emma coming up to the group of them. She quickly pressed a kiss to Lyric's forehead, and Cassius' eyes widened. Apparently he wasn't aware the two of them were dating now.
Eden issued a tiny wave in Emma's direction, walking back down the hallway towards the waiting rooms. She needed a cigarette. And a shower. She hadn't slept since Lyric had been in the hospital. She was more concerned with being there for her.
Man, things really change.
It felt so weird to know that her baby sister had a child. That there was a new Simon generation. She hadn't thought that that would happen to any of them, anytime soon.
She approached the glass waiting room doors, catching a flash of two people inside. The voices leaking into the hallway were two she knew very, very well. She pressed herself against the wall next to the door, listening, but not visible.
"She'll be back any minute. It's not like she can avoid you forever."
Eden rolled her eyes at Atticus' voice, she had no idea what they were talking about at first, but it was clear that it was about her now. She waited for Xavier's response, tapping her foot quietly.
"She's confusing. It's not like I don't care about her, but I don't love her."
Eden sighed, rubbing her forehead with her fingers. She didn't love him either. That was not what she had meant when she had said what she did that night.
"Are you sure about that?"
Atticus' voice was disbelieving and if Eden had been in the room, she would have smacked him. He was searching, digging. It made her uncomfortable, and it also pissed her off.
"It's hard to love a girl who doesn't even know what the word means."
"Maybe, but it's not impossible."
"I don't want to be her next mistake."
Why do people even think for fifteen seconds that I even want to be in love? Or for anyone to love me. This is getting fucking ridiculous.
Eden made a big deal of shoving the door open, and both of the boys looked like children caught doing something horrible. She pulled a fake smile onto her lips and grabbed her bag off of the chair she had put it on.
"You two okay? You look like you just saw a ghost. Pretty sure no one has died."
She didn't wait for a response, and when the door closed behind her, she didn't wait around to listen to anything else those two had to say.
"Eden. Hey."
Xavier caught up to her so quickly, it was absurd. She turned to face him, her face composed.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I should probably keep walking. I don't speak to my mistakes anymore."
She pulled her bag up farther on her shoulder, continuing down the hallway. Xav didn't let her get far before he was right back at her side.
"You heard that?"
He looked nervous when she stopped to look at him again. She nodded, once, rolling her eyes.
"....What else did you hear?"
She shook her head, exasperated.
"Enough. But it's not a big deal, Xavier. I don't need your affection, or anything else for that matter.
You might not be my mistake, but I'm clearly yours."
He took the bag off of her shoulder, dropping it onto the floor next to her. Placing his hands on either side of her face, he brought his lips to hers, kissing her with an intensity she didn't remember ever being there before. She put her hands on his chest, anticipating the part where he pulled away in those first few seconds. But it didn't happen.
He backed her up against the wall and dropped his hands from her face to her hips. She couldn't think sharp enough to stop him, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to. When he finally broke away, his breath was still on her skin as he spoke.
"I think you're the best mistake I could make, Eden Simon."
His words sent electricity down her spine and she ran her teeth over her bottom lip, his taste still lingering there. Shouldn't that offend her? In some way?
It seemed to do the opposite. But that feeling wasn't reflected in the words she spoke.
"You have to stop kissing me."
His face went impassive as he straightened up, dropping his hands from her sides. But she didn't move hers.
"Give me a reason why."
She spoke without thinking, the words nowhere near the front of her brain the way they left her tongue.
"Because you're lying to yourself. And to me.
You're in love with me, so you can't keep kissing me."
His face was skeptical, pushing her hands off his chest and putting distance between them.
"I don't know what kind of messed up Eden logic that is, but you don't even know what that word means, let alone how I feel."
She crossed her arms over her chest, putting more of her weight into the wall behind her.
"Don't treat me like a fucking child. I'm not stupid. You may be unaware of it, but I can tell by the way you touch me. It's in your eyes, and in your smile.
You can think I am as ignorant as you want to, but I know what I see.
So you can't keep touching me, and showing up everywhere I am and trying to make me love you too. Because I can't."
He picked her bag up off of the ground, and handed it to her, his face back to the way it always was. A statue.
"You'd have to have vision to see."
It echoed in her head for a few seconds, and she wasn't sure how to respond. So she dropped her eyes to the ground and said nothing, letting the silence stretch out.
"But you know what? I'm not going to kiss you anymore. Not because I love you, but because I don't.
Thanks for reaffirming that for me."
His words echoed in the hallway long after he was gone, and Eden didn't move. Just put them on replay in her head until her legs shook from standing in the same spot for too long. Or maybe from something else.
But eventually, she made her way to her car, to her house, into her bed.
When sleep overtook her, the last thing that she heard was a door slamming somewhere downstairs, in time with the sound of her heart in her chest.
---------------
In the weeks that followed, it was like Xavier disappeared off of the face of the Earth. He didn't call her, he didn't text her, he didn't come by to see the baby or contact her in any way. She was confused, but she was also thankful. It made it easier. Or so she liked to think.
Lyric was able to bring Jett home two weeks after he was born. It would have been a shorter amount of time, but he had developed jaundice and a fever, so they had kept him longer than they would have. Kiara and Eden took turns taking care of Jett while Lyric slept, ate, and continued to go to her piano lessons. That was the one thing she refused to give up, even though she dropped out of high school to acquire her GED.
Jett was twelve weeks old now, and the city was quickly growing colder as fall made its appearance. November had shown up so fast, Eden felt like September and October had just never happened at all. She was about to be 20, and even that was inconceivable. She wasn't quite sure she was ready to let go of being a teenager just yet.
"Someday, I think I want one of these."
Kiara said the words so longingly, Eden looked over at her in surprise.
"You... want a baby?"
Kiara nodded, popping Jett's pacifier back in his mouth.
"Obviously not right now, but someday."
Relief rolled through Eden and she laughed. Kiara would be a good mom. She had a feeling she'd be a strict one, maybe, and her children would have anger issues the size of Texas, but that she would deal with them well. She couldn't imagine herself as a mom though. She didn't know if she would want to pass this horrid family legacy she held onto someone else.
Who would even be able to carry all of this successfully?
Maybe Atticus, or even Lyric, would choose one of their own kids. Because Eden wasn't sure she ever wanted one.
"Kiara, can I talk to you?"
Both girls looked up, their eyes landing on Atticus. He was leaning into the nursery door frame, his eyes far away. Kiara hesitated for a second, glancing down at the baby in her arms. She walked over to the crib and placed him inside, looking at Eden.
Go.
Eden mouthed. Kiara rolled her eyes, shutting the nursery door behind her as she followed Atticus down the hall to his own room. The words that left Atticus' mouth as his door snapped shut, made Kiara turn around in shock.
"I love you."
She pulled her hair out of her face and placed her hands on her hips, her face angry.
"Don't lie to me. Don't you think it's a little too late for those words now? You not only have a girlfriend, but I've moved on from you."
She was lying, horribly, and his face looked like he had no idea that she was.
"Have you?"
Kiara nodded, slowly, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I have. I don't want you anymore. And it's clear that you want someone else."
Atticus shook his head, taking a couple of steps towards her.
"No. You're wrong. I don't.
I don't love Mackenzie. I don't even really like Mackenzie.
I miss you. I want you. I love you."
Kiara retreated as he approached, shaking her head in much the same way that he had.
"Would you stop fucking saying that?
You have a girlfriend. Have you told her this stuff?"
Atticus' eyes were empty and he shook his head again, sighing.
"Not yet. But I'm going to."
Kiara bit down on her lip so hard, she tasted blood.
"I'm not your back-up plan, Atticus."
He finally reached her, but only because she couldn't back up anymore.
"No, you're right. You're not my back-up plan. You're my only plan. Because everything else has been a glitch."
Kiara rolled her eyes, but she didn't attempt to move him, didn't attempt to deter his advances.
"You're reminding me of someone right now. I think his name is Carter?"
"That might be because he's my dad, and his blood runs through my veins, no matter how much I wish it didn't.
Eden got his personality. I guess I had to get something from him.
I guess that's being in love with my best friend since I was a kid."
He stooped to kiss her, and she let it happen, just for a few seconds. Her mind was caught up in the words he was saying, and the way he spoke, and it took her a minute to push him back. To end the kiss.
"Why don't you try this again when you don't have a girlfriend?
I'm not Aria. I'm not as forgiving, or as easy."
She pushed him back a little farther, reaching for the handle to his door.
"I used to love you, but I don't know if I do anymore."
She shut the door behind her, leaving Atticus to soak in her words.
She couldn't believe he said it. More than that, she couldn't believe the way he chose to say it. Out of nowhere, when he had a girlfriend. What was she supposed to do with this information?
She couldn't wait for him forever, immortality or not.
Could she?
Lyric was able to bring Jett home two weeks after he was born. It would have been a shorter amount of time, but he had developed jaundice and a fever, so they had kept him longer than they would have. Kiara and Eden took turns taking care of Jett while Lyric slept, ate, and continued to go to her piano lessons. That was the one thing she refused to give up, even though she dropped out of high school to acquire her GED.
Jett was twelve weeks old now, and the city was quickly growing colder as fall made its appearance. November had shown up so fast, Eden felt like September and October had just never happened at all. She was about to be 20, and even that was inconceivable. She wasn't quite sure she was ready to let go of being a teenager just yet.
"Someday, I think I want one of these."
Kiara said the words so longingly, Eden looked over at her in surprise.
"You... want a baby?"
Kiara nodded, popping Jett's pacifier back in his mouth.
"Obviously not right now, but someday."
Relief rolled through Eden and she laughed. Kiara would be a good mom. She had a feeling she'd be a strict one, maybe, and her children would have anger issues the size of Texas, but that she would deal with them well. She couldn't imagine herself as a mom though. She didn't know if she would want to pass this horrid family legacy she held onto someone else.
Who would even be able to carry all of this successfully?
Maybe Atticus, or even Lyric, would choose one of their own kids. Because Eden wasn't sure she ever wanted one.
"Kiara, can I talk to you?"
Both girls looked up, their eyes landing on Atticus. He was leaning into the nursery door frame, his eyes far away. Kiara hesitated for a second, glancing down at the baby in her arms. She walked over to the crib and placed him inside, looking at Eden.
Go.
Eden mouthed. Kiara rolled her eyes, shutting the nursery door behind her as she followed Atticus down the hall to his own room. The words that left Atticus' mouth as his door snapped shut, made Kiara turn around in shock.
"I love you."
She pulled her hair out of her face and placed her hands on her hips, her face angry.
"Don't lie to me. Don't you think it's a little too late for those words now? You not only have a girlfriend, but I've moved on from you."
She was lying, horribly, and his face looked like he had no idea that she was.
"Have you?"
Kiara nodded, slowly, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I have. I don't want you anymore. And it's clear that you want someone else."
Atticus shook his head, taking a couple of steps towards her.
"No. You're wrong. I don't.
I don't love Mackenzie. I don't even really like Mackenzie.
I miss you. I want you. I love you."
Kiara retreated as he approached, shaking her head in much the same way that he had.
"Would you stop fucking saying that?
You have a girlfriend. Have you told her this stuff?"
Atticus' eyes were empty and he shook his head again, sighing.
"Not yet. But I'm going to."
Kiara bit down on her lip so hard, she tasted blood.
"I'm not your back-up plan, Atticus."
He finally reached her, but only because she couldn't back up anymore.
"No, you're right. You're not my back-up plan. You're my only plan. Because everything else has been a glitch."
Kiara rolled her eyes, but she didn't attempt to move him, didn't attempt to deter his advances.
"You're reminding me of someone right now. I think his name is Carter?"
"That might be because he's my dad, and his blood runs through my veins, no matter how much I wish it didn't.
Eden got his personality. I guess I had to get something from him.
I guess that's being in love with my best friend since I was a kid."
He stooped to kiss her, and she let it happen, just for a few seconds. Her mind was caught up in the words he was saying, and the way he spoke, and it took her a minute to push him back. To end the kiss.
"Why don't you try this again when you don't have a girlfriend?
I'm not Aria. I'm not as forgiving, or as easy."
She pushed him back a little farther, reaching for the handle to his door.
"I used to love you, but I don't know if I do anymore."
She shut the door behind her, leaving Atticus to soak in her words.
She couldn't believe he said it. More than that, she couldn't believe the way he chose to say it. Out of nowhere, when he had a girlfriend. What was she supposed to do with this information?
She couldn't wait for him forever, immortality or not.
Could she?
-------------
"I hate the snow."
Eden grumbled, taking Jett from Lyric's arms as she pulled her shoes on.
"So do I, but I can't miss this. This is a very important recital, I have to go. I have a chance of actually getting some kind of deal, Eden."
Eden bounced Jett on her hip, smiling at her little sister.
"I know, I know. I don't mind watching him. I hope you have fun, Lyr. You deserve it."
November had rolled straight into December, and Jett was so big now. He was advanced for a premature baby from what the doctor had said. Lyric was so happy, all the time, and it seemed like her little boy had developed his mommy's sunshine trait.
He was always smiling, always sweet.
Lyric leaned down, pressing a kiss to Jett's forehead. She whispered something in his ear and then stood up straight, wrapping her arms around Eden.
"I love you, thank you so much. I'll make it up to you, okay."
Carter appeared from around the corner, Aria in tow. The two of them looked excited, and Eden wished, partially, that she could be a part of this too. But watching Jett was why she had come back to Bridgeport in the first place.
"We'll be home in a few hours, Eden. If Kiara is coming over to help with the baby, tell her to be careful, because the roads are really slick."
Eden nodded at her dad, ignoring her mom's presence completely.
"I know, I know. This isn't our first snowstorm, you know? It may not snow here often, but it does."
"Yeah, I know, smartass. It's just particularly bad this time."
Eden sighed.
"Yes, Officer Simon, I'll call Kiara right away and report the weather to her."
Carter rolled his eyes, saluting her as he shut the door. Eden slid the lock into place, and the house seemed so quiet with the three of them gone. Atticus wasn't home either. She was pretty sure he had said something about breaking up with Kenzie tonight.
Which, she had no idea why he would do that, because Kiara hadn't said anything about them getting back together.
Jett made a small noise and Eden looked down at him, smiling.
"Let's go watch some Netflix, baby."
She bounced him one more time and made her way to the couch, completely forgetting to text Kiara at all.
Eden grumbled, taking Jett from Lyric's arms as she pulled her shoes on.
"So do I, but I can't miss this. This is a very important recital, I have to go. I have a chance of actually getting some kind of deal, Eden."
Eden bounced Jett on her hip, smiling at her little sister.
"I know, I know. I don't mind watching him. I hope you have fun, Lyr. You deserve it."
November had rolled straight into December, and Jett was so big now. He was advanced for a premature baby from what the doctor had said. Lyric was so happy, all the time, and it seemed like her little boy had developed his mommy's sunshine trait.
He was always smiling, always sweet.
Lyric leaned down, pressing a kiss to Jett's forehead. She whispered something in his ear and then stood up straight, wrapping her arms around Eden.
"I love you, thank you so much. I'll make it up to you, okay."
Carter appeared from around the corner, Aria in tow. The two of them looked excited, and Eden wished, partially, that she could be a part of this too. But watching Jett was why she had come back to Bridgeport in the first place.
"We'll be home in a few hours, Eden. If Kiara is coming over to help with the baby, tell her to be careful, because the roads are really slick."
Eden nodded at her dad, ignoring her mom's presence completely.
"I know, I know. This isn't our first snowstorm, you know? It may not snow here often, but it does."
"Yeah, I know, smartass. It's just particularly bad this time."
Eden sighed.
"Yes, Officer Simon, I'll call Kiara right away and report the weather to her."
Carter rolled his eyes, saluting her as he shut the door. Eden slid the lock into place, and the house seemed so quiet with the three of them gone. Atticus wasn't home either. She was pretty sure he had said something about breaking up with Kenzie tonight.
Which, she had no idea why he would do that, because Kiara hadn't said anything about them getting back together.
Jett made a small noise and Eden looked down at him, smiling.
"Let's go watch some Netflix, baby."
She bounced him one more time and made her way to the couch, completely forgetting to text Kiara at all.
-------------
She's consuming constantly
And I forget everything I need
She's my best mistake
And I like paying for it
She's consuming constantly
And I forget everything I need
She's my best mistake
And I like paying for it
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