1-26: Something I Said

You tell me once, you tell me twice, you tell me three times more
Tell me everything I want to hear and nothing more
Cause you know I am on your side no matter what you do
With every consequence it's your defense on why it's mine
And I could take it if I knew just why I waste my time with you
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(tiny AN: There is a mention and therefore, a possibility that this could be triggering for those of you with sexual abuse in your past. Please proceed with caution. )
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"I don't want him here."

Eden shoved another bottle onto the counter, and it slammed into the other ones. Kiara raised an eyebrow and took her wrist, pulling her away from the breakable things. The next thing she knew, Eden would be throwing things. She did that a lot lately.

"Well I'm not going to go and make him leave. Don't be such a baby."

Eden waited for Kiara to release her and crossed her arms over her chest, pouting.

"Who even fucking invited him? I avoid people I hate on purpose."

Kiara rolled her eyes, watching a couple of people close to them carefully.

"How the hell am I supposed to know? I don't know why you're having a party anyway. I thought you had outgrown all of this crap."

Eden shrugged, walking over to the counter and grabbing a bottle of rum. She unscrewed the cap and tipped the bottle to her lips, watching Kiara over the top. It tasted like battery acid and detriment, but she drank until her stomach ached. She dropped the bottle to her side and took a deep breath, looking around the room.

"I guess we can call this regressing."

Kiara looked annoyed. To a massive degree. But Eden couldn't seem to bring herself to care. 

"Well you have fun with that. I'm going fucking home."

Eden watched her walk away, waving at her back. She should probably stop her, but that wasn't what she did. If Kiara wanted to leave, who was she to stop her? She took one more long drink and twisted the cap back onto the bottle, exiting the kitchen for the stairs. If Xavier was here, she was hiding before he even had a chance to try and talk to her.

Halfway up the flight of stairs, she was blindsided by a person rushing down the stairs so fast they collided into her. The bottle fell from Eden's hands and shattered on the landing. She regained her balance, looking for whoever it had been, but she couldn't see anyone.

"What the fuck was that?"

Eden sighed, dropped to her knees and took a look at the glass, her breath catching in her chest. Her eyes went blurry for a second, but she shook her head. Not now, Eden. It's just glass. Calm down. She reached out and grabbed one of the pieces, her fingers slipping on the liquid. It cut into her hand and she groaned, bringing her palm to eye level. She wiped it on her jeans and sighed. She'd deal with it later.

She reached back out, blood still running down her hand to grab another piece, and jumped when cold fingers wrapped around her wrist. She dropped the glass to the ground and looked over her shoulder at the person holding onto her. Her face grew dark when she met her gaze to sapphire blue eyes.

"Let me help you?"

She almost protested, almost told Xavier to get lost, but she just nodded. Her chest went back to normal from the surprise as she watched him lean down, picking up the pieces with a grace that she could never have.

"How did you even manage that?"

Xavier glanced at her bleeding hand and she put her other one over it, the cut stinging from the alcohol on her fingertips.

"I'm careless? Isn't that the case with everything I do?"

She mumbled the words and slid back against the wall, letting him take care of the mess. She was dizzy from the entire thing. The alcohol, the blood, the shattered pieces of the bottle. He stared at her intently for a moment, tossing the final pieces of glass into a cup next to him.

He stayed knelt down at her level, and his face went through a few emotions, until he finally looked away.

"We're going to need a broom or something."


Eden nodded, but she still hadn't broken her stare. He seemed to feel it as he looked back up at her, tilting his head. He let out a sigh and walked over to the wall next to her, sliding down to sit next to her. Even sitting, he was taller than her by at least half a foot. He reached over, taking her hand in both of his. In one movement Eden couldn't even keep track of, he shrugged out of the over shirt he had been wearing and tore a strand off of the end of it.


He tied it around her hand and pressed down. It stung, but Eden was too busy staring at his face still to notice it much.

"You just destroyed your shirt when we probably have bandages and shit downstairs."

Xavier shrugged one shoulder, running his thumb across the blood that had spilled down her wrist. He wiped it off with a stray piece of his shirt and dropped her hand from his.

"I never liked that shirt anyway."

He brought his eyes from hers to the staircase. It was completely empty, which was strange. There had been so many people around when she had been knocked backwards. He leaned back, putting his head against the wall and let out a long sigh. 

"I'm sorry about Lyric."

Eden blinked once, finally tearing her eyes away from his face. She mirrored his movements, dropping her head against the wall harder than he had. She licked her lips and she could still taste the alcohol there.

"Yeah. Me too."

She pulled her knees to her chest and put her forehead against her knees. She could feel the burning in her eyes and the heaviness in her chest that indicated she was going to cry. It was so pathetic. So disgusting. She hated feeling helpless. 

What had happened to her? She used to be a brick wall. She used to be so strong.

Now she was breaking at the slightest things. 

She looked over at Xav, her cheeks burning. He was staring at her, his eyes full of sympathy. It made her stomach twist into knots.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm fine."

Her voice was colder than she wanted it to be, but he took it in stride.

"You aren't fine. Even you don't believe that."

Eden exhaled, pushing herself to her feet.

"You don't know anything about how I feel, Xavier. You've not been around. You don't get a fucking opinion."

Xavier nodded, once, following her lead to his feet.

"Right. Have a nice night, Eden."

He turned to walk away, but Eden reached out, grabbing his arm. She winced with the pain that shot through her hand, but maintained her grip. She wanted to say something, but she couldn't figure out what it was. He gently pushed her hand off of his arm and shook his head, turning back to the stairs. Right before he reached the third step from the top, he turned around quickly, his eyes on her hand again.

He took the steps back up to her and grabbed it, turning it over to look at her thumb. He twisted the ring her father had given her to bring the stone to the top. It reflected the light, bouncing off of the dark blue. He continued twisting it, staring at it intently.

"Where did you get that?"

Eden had no idea what was going on, all she could do was stare at him in confusion.

"My dad gave it to me... Why?"

He pulled it off of her finger and held it up to the light. There were words Eden had never noticed before scripted into the band. How did Xavier notice something like that but she hadn't? She looked closer at it, but she couldn't read it. It looked like gibberish.

"Quo vadis. It's Latin. Do you know what it means?"

Xavier placed the ring back in her hand and sighed when Eden shook her head.

"It means 'Where are you going'."

Now he was speaking what sounded like gibberish. Eden looked down at the ring, rolling her eyes. She was annoyed that her dad had given her this ring at all, now. Annoyed that she had never noticed something like that, but Xavier had. 

And for some reason, annoyed that he knew Latin.

"I don't know why the hell he'd give me something like that."

Xavier shrugged one shoulder again, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Maybe he knows you better than you think."

"He's a fool."

Xavier shook his head, once, finally descending the stairs. His words carried up to her when he reached the bottom.

"I don't think so."

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Crash

The sound echoed through the entire top floor and Eden's feet instantly hit the floor, pushing her door open so hard it hit the wall with a crack. She could hear voices but couldn't quite make out exactly what they were saying. She followed the screaming down the hall, leaning against Cassius' door to listen before going inside.

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

Okay. Eden had never, in her life, heard her twin brother sound so angry. His voice was so loud and so heavy she could practically feel it in the air.

"She was practically begging for it, Atticus. Do you know nothing about her?"

Cassius' voice taunted, and there was another crash, followed by a scream that Eden would know anywhere. She shoved the door open, finding Kiara easily among the small group of people. The discarded furniture and broken glass from the TV on the floor. Electricity sparked from the broken electronic and Eden tried to take in the scene clearly in her drunken state.

Her two brothers were only separated by a foot. Maybe less. But Atticus' eyes said he was out for blood. She tried to meet her best friend's eyes, but she wouldn't look at her. It was like none of them had even noticed Eden had walked through the door.

"She came to me. I just tried to give her what she clearly wanted."

"You're fucking lying!"

It was the first words Kiara had spoken, but they sounded so broken, Eden didn't even recognize her voice. She took in Kiara's appearance. The smeared makeup, her rumpled clothes. Her shirt was torn and Eden couldn't read the expression on her face. She looked like she had been crying, and her voice was hoarse. 

"I told you no, and you didn't care! You didn't want to hear no. You heard what you wanted to hear!"

Eden tried to make the puzzle pieces fit, but they didn't want to.

Her little brother? Try to... 

Kiara? No...

Eden had been so busy staring at her, she didn't see the first punch when it landed. She only heard the sound of skin hitting skin, bone cracking. Blood poured from Cassius' nose and he clutched his face in his hands. But that didn't stop Atticus. Fist connected with face so many times, Eden lost count.

It was only when Cassius was on the floor, and everything was so blurred, Eden finally reacted. She crossed the room to Atticus, tugging on his shirt, trying to get him to stand. To stop punching Cassius before something really bad happened. She wasn't even sure her little brother was moving anymore.

"Atticus!"

It happened so fast, she didn't realize he'd done it for a few seconds.

She stumbled back from the force of it, putting her hand over the place where his fist had connected. 



Atticus' eyes widened and he parted from Cassius, blood dripping from his knuckles. He stepped towards Eden, his mouth hanging open. She took three steps back, shaking her head. Her face throbbed and she couldn't seem to catch her breath.

"Eden, no. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry... Eden..."

He tried to pull her closer, to comfort her, to show that he was sorry, but Eden bristled, shoving him as hard as she could.

"Don't fucking touch me!"

She screamed the words so loudly, they reverberated off of Cassius' bedroom walls.

Cassius was still, his chest rising and falling, blood all over his face. Kiara was still crying, but she seemed like she couldn't wrap her head around what had just happened anymore than Eden seemed to.

"Eden... It was an accident. I would never hurt you on purpose."

He finally reached her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

It was like time froze. Every eye in the room on Eden. She clutched her stomach and leaned against the wall, her breath hitching in her chest. She was panicking, and she didn't even know why. This wasn't a big deal. Whatever had just happened with Cassius and Kiara was clearly more important.

But she didn't care. Couldn't make her mind calm enough to think through this logically.

Maybe because this was her twin brother? The only person in her family she would trust with her life? The only guy she'd thought would never hurt her. Had known would never hurt her. 

She finally did the only thing she could think to do. She brought her knee up, hard, slamming into her brother's stomach. He released her, stumbling back from her assault.

"I told you not to fucking touch me."

She looked at Kiara, who still seemed frozen... Eden didn't know what had happened. She didn't know how to ask. She was, in the end, a selfish, self absorbed creature. 

I'm sorry.

She mouthed the words at her, like they would help. Like they would diffuse the fact that this was a massive overreaction. That she was acting like what had just happened to her was worse than what could have just happened to her best friend in the entire world.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

The tears slipped down her face and she turned for the door, leaving it open behind her when she left.

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1-25: Lust a Prima Vista

In one fell swoop it became clear to me
That I despise you entirely
But the good news is I'm gonna keep you around
And so your lust is just convenient now

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One Month Later
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"Where are you going?"

Eden looked over at her younger brother, straightening her semblance of a shirt.

"Out. Where do you think that I'm going?"

He looked at her outfit, his face wrinkling in disgust.

"You look like a slut. And you've been out every night for the past week. How are you not dead from alcohol poisoning?"

Eden shrugged a shoulder, taking one last look in the hallway mirror.

"Because I'm not drinking."

He raised an eyebrow at her, going back to playing the Xbox. Eden hadn't been drinking. Much. She'd been doing other things she shouldn't be doing. Like boys, and drugs. She felt like she had regressed. Back to who she had drifted away from so much in the past year. But it was the only thing that kept her mind off of the pain.

 

Lyric's death had left a void in the middle of her chest. It had never quite closed. Her brain went back and forth like a ping pong ball, between changing and letting everything go in a spiraling hole of self destruction.

Scoring in one way or another settled that infinite game. If only for the time being.

When she pulled her car up to the house she had been at so often lately, she thought for a second she recognized one of the guys standing outside, but they vanished before she could get a good look. She climbed out of the car and turned to shut the door.

"Eden? what are you doing here?"

Eden froze at the voice, suspended in the movement, the car door still half open.

Anger quickly overtook the surprise, and she whipped around to face him, her eyes cold.

"I'm not talking to you, Nile.

Crawl back into your deep, dark hole you've been in the last few months, and forget you even saw me."

He looked different. Older? He took a moment to say anything at all to her, his eyes bouncing along her face, her body, the car next to her. When he spoke, his voice was heavy. Full of intent.

"I'm sorry."

Eden shook her head, dropping her eyes to the ground. She felt the tears sting, and it disgusted her. Every single time the emotions swelled enough to make her chest twitch, she just wanted to slam her face into a brick wall.

No matter what she did, they just wouldn't go away.

"Don't."

She made to move past him, but he held a hand out. She stopped right before she ran into it, glaring.

"What the hell could you possibly want, Xavier? Seriously? You haven't spoken to me in months. Do you think I'm going to stand here and have a conversation with you? You wanted out, and that's what you got. 

So move your fucking hand and let me by."

He dropped his hand to his side, and Eden waited with baited breath for any type of response at all. But he didn't seem to have one.

"Thanks."

She mumbled it, taking a few steps away. She didn't hear the rustle of his footsteps, or the heaviness of them. He wasn't following her, but he also wasn't leaving that same spot. She stalled for a few seconds, glancing up at the door to the house. There were a few guys gathered around the outside, and they were staring at her. 

For the first time in weeks, it didn't get her heart going like it usually did. It just made her feel sleazy. Corrupt. She took a deep breath, turning slightly to look over her shoulder.

"I forgive you."

She turned her head back to look at the house and crossed her arms over her chest, collecting her feelings in a little glass piece of her heart.

 "I know no one can handle me. 

And I'm sorry that you tried."

She stopped speaking, the sound of her heels clicking on concrete as she rushed into the house, leaving her emotions behind in the freezing night air.

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"Atticus, put the fucking bottle down. What the hell is wrong with you? Lyric just died and you're sitting here getting piss ass drunk and playing fucking video games. Like this is going to solve all of your problems." Kiara stepped in his line of vision and switched the console off, making him groan loudly.

She had been trying to get Atticus to listen to her for days. 

But all he seemed to want to do was drink himself into a coma and pity himself. 

And Kiara was so far past over it.

"Can you fucking stop? I'm not doing anything wrong."

Kiara looked at him, exasperated. 

"You're fucking drowning your sorrows in a bottle of vodka instead of dealing."

Atticus tipped the bottle back with a snort. He tried to see around Kiara's tall form, but she stepped to the side as he leaned. He tried one more time, finally tossing the controller on the floor and leaning back. He took another drink and when he spoke, his words were so slurred they were hard for her to discern.

"Kiara, you're don't understand what the fuck I'm feeling. I don't want to be around you. And I do not want to be with anyone. I want to drink until my fucking liver rots. Okay?" 

Kiara sighed, taking the bottle from his hands and sitting it on the glass coffee table, where it clinked softly. She grabbed his hand and tugged him to his feet.

"Okay first of all, I don't want to be with you. You're a fucking drunken mess. Maybe if you cleaned the fuck up, I would. But right now... No fucking way. You're all acting like children. You, your twin sister, your dumbass little brother."

 She dropped her hand from his and sighed loudly, biting down on the inside of her cheek.

"Second of all, Atticus, I don't expect you to be okay. It's only been a month. But you need to grow the fuck up and deal with this shit like a normal fucking person. Be an adult. Man the fuck up and deal with your problems.

There is a little baby boy in the room down the fucking hall that only I have been responsible for. He's not even my baby. But he might as well be." 

She put her hands on either side of his face, making his eyes connect with hers. The anger was apparent, but there was a collection of other things there too. Ones she couldn't quite put into words.

"Haven't we all suffered enough? Evein's gone. Mackenzie is gone. Your sister is gone. You can't be next."

She touched a kiss to the corner of his mouth and then she took a step back. 

"When you decide that I'm more important than booze, that Jett is, that you're being a fucking idiot... You know where to find me."

Atticus looked like he wanted to close the distance she had put there. Like the last thing that he wanted was for her to walk out of the room. His eyes fell from hers to the floor and in that moment... He felt like his father. 

Weak, dependent. On a girl. Kiara was his default setting. He hardly knew how to be anything without her. 

In those few seconds as he watched Kiara turn and walk away, he finally knew. He was a reflection of everything his father had been. The world he subsisted in lately was cracked. An upside down version of everything he had tried to be on his own. He'd fought the thought that one person could make him who he was.

Lyric was gone. Kiara was going to stay gone unless he pulled his head out of his ass.


But he couldn't seem to find a reason to do that. She had left anyway. She kept leaving.

He dropped to the chair and lifted the bottle to his lips. The poison burned all the way into his stomach and he heard the crack of the glass when he dropped the empty container onto the table.

Carter always chased Aria down. He always let her go, to come back to her again. His world was darkness and Aria was his light. It was sad, it was pathetic, and it was hopeless.


But it was looking like Atticus' reality too.

"Guess I'm just gonna have to drink this away too. Seems to be working so far."

He grabbed the controller off of the floor and put his feet up on the table. His head spun and his vision was blurry, but he could see enough.

In the end, he was Carter Simon's son.

Through and through. 

But he still didn't have the piece of Carter that made him who he had been in the end. 

What his mother had needed.

"I may be my father, but I'm my mother too."

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"Another family meeting? Didn't we do this like... way too close in time to be having another one now?"

Atticus' drunken voice poured into Eden's ears, bringing her back into the moment. She wasn't sure where exactly her brain had been, but it wasn't here. She looked up at her parents. Carter held Aria in a way that almost made her sick. 

He held her like she was the most important thing in the world. 

Like she hadn't caused him the irreversible damage that she had.

"Yes, well, Atticus. This is actually important."

There was one glaring obvious to the entire situation. One bright botch in the setting that seemed to burn Eden's chest. One absence... 

She brought her eyes to the spot next to her. The one where Lyric had always sat, ever since they were young kids and had attended the first 'Simon family meeting'. Her chest did a flip and she instantly tore her eyes away, settling them back on her father's face.

Something else seemed off though. Besides the fact that they should have never had another one of these things. Not without her baby sister. They weren't a whole family anymore. They could never repair that tear in their dynamic.

This whole thing was a joke.

Eden got to her feet, and Aria's eyes grew sad as they lifted to Eden's face.

"Please don't leave, Eden. I need you to hear this too."

Eden scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. The look she placed on her mother could have frozen fire.

"What could possibly be so important that you both want to bring to light that one of us is missing in the most realistic way possible?"

Aria's mouth dropped open at her words, and Carter squeezed her shoulder lightly, shaking his head slowly.

"Sit down, Eden."

"No."

Carter let out a sigh, running the hand that wasn't on Aria through his hair.

"Fine.

The reason we asked all of you to be here is complicated. 

And I'm not sure how any of you are going to take it."

He looked from Eden to Cassius to Atticus, dropping his emerald green eyes to the table in front of him.

"You're all going to have a new baby in the family."

It took Eden a second to register what her father had just said. Her eyes narrowed and she turned around, looking at her brothers. Cassius looked strung out, disgusted. Atticus was pale, drunk. Always drunk.

Her family had fallen apart in the aftermath of her baby sister's death. In ways none of them could have anticipated or were prepared for.

And now they were bringing a new child into this mess?

Into the chaos that no one was bothering to fix.

Her chest caught and she turned back to her dad, trying to get words to come out. Trying to explain why this was a horrible idea. Why this shouldn't happen. Couldn't. Why it was the last thing their family needed.

She dug her nails into her skin hard enough to draw blood, but she still didn't wake up. It wasn't a dream.

She uncrossed her arms, took one final glace at her parents, and walked out of the room.

"Fucking perfect."

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