1-20: Everything You Want

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

----------------

"Sit still."

Eden scowled again, directing her glare in the mirror at Sophie. She instantly looked apologetic and Eden regretted the reaction, sighing. She looked back down at her cell phone while Sophie continued to try and tame the curls that Eden had naturally acquired from God knows who.

Sophie had put red tips throughout Eden's hair, after much convincing. She was practicing on Eden before her test at the hair academy she attended. Because, on top of her already extensive academic load, Sophie was in beauty school. Apparently she was nuts and could handle twice the amount of homework a normal person could.

-You're not going to get me to stay here. So you should stop begging. You sound like a child.-

She huffed again, her shoulders bobbing. Sophie's hand slipped and the straightener fell against Eden's shoulder, burning her. Eden groaned in pain and looked at Sophie again in the mirror.

"I said I would do your hair, but I didn't promise you would come out unscathed. Especially when you keep whining and shrugging and moving."

She looked like she regretted the words, but Eden knew she was right. She let out some type of noise and moved in some way every single time Xavier responded to her texts. He was frustrating her to no end, and she honestly regretted telling him she was even leaving. His insistence that he was going was unfaltering though, no matter what she did.

She was almost tempted to leave before she was supposed to. Just so he couldn't tag along.

Sophie straightened one last strand and the smile on her face was magnetic as she pulled a brush through Eden's hair, pushing it all around her face, so she could see it.

"What do you think?"

Eden smiled at her, trying to show excitement in some way. Since she sincerely sucked at it.

"I love it, Sophie. Thank you."

She was almost sad to have to leave her roommate behind, but Sophie had promised when Eden returned in the Spring, there would be a room here for her. Eden got to her feet and hugged Sophie awkwardly, but she returned it genuinely. Because Sophie was probably the sweetest girl in the entire world, which, after knowing Evein, it wasn't a surprise that Zach fell for her.

Which had become a thing. Sophie wore a giant diamond on her finger courtesy of Eden's oldest male friend. The fact that any of her friends were getting married when they were all only 19, irked her. She was turning 20 in November, and Zach was in September, but it was still weird. At least to her.

Then again... Her baby sister was having a baby at 18.

Eden was supposed to leave in August for Bridgeport. July was halfway through, and as the weeks had passed, she felt more and more anxious about Lyric having a baby. What if she couldn't handle it? She was so young, and babies were hard. She hadn't even gotten to watch Lyric's stomach grow. She had just seen her extending body in snapchats and on Facebook.

She was so tiny, and her belly was so big. It was almost comical.

-Fine. But, don't you dare tell anyone that you think I want to date you. If this gets around, I'll kill you.-

Her reputation was still tainted back in Bridgeport, you would think she would want to fix it, but she didn't. She liked being known as the girl with the stone heart. What would everyone think if they knew that it felt like it was made of glass now?

They'd think you were pathetic, weak. That you can be hurt now. No one needs to know any of that.

Eden shuddered slightly, taking the stairs down to her room. When she hit the bottom step, her heart rose into her throat as a shadow moved across the wall. Her first thought, was Alec. It was always Alec. She always had this voice in the very recesses of her mind, saying someday he would come back for her. 

But it wasn't Alec, it was Xavier.

She reached over the side and grabbed a pillow, throwing it at his head.

"Go away. How did you even get in here?"

Xavier rolled his eyes.

"I live here?" 

"Okay, well you can leave now, so I can lock you out where you belong."

She descended the rest of the stairs, avoiding getting within three feet of him.

"Just because you've kissed me now, doesn't make you any less of a stalker. Who just comes in someone's room without saying anything, anyway. Rude."

She was trying to talk her way through the anxiety in her chest. It was lessening bit by bit, but not enough for her to be calm just yet.

"Have you checked your phone...."

He asked the question blankly, and Eden pulled it out, looking at the screen. Of course there was a text there from him, saying he'd be in her room.

"Oh...."

"Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Not after-"

"Don't say it."

She cut him off, going over to her closet. She went inside, leaning against the side, letting the curtain fall closed behind her. She counted to three, squeezing her eyes shut. She repeated the action and her heart rate finally calmed down, but when she opened her eyes, Xavier had pulled the curtain aside, just looking at her. His eyes were unreadable.

Of course they were, she'd missed the flash.

"You okay?"

Eden sighed, running a hand through her hair. 

"No."

She didn't mean to say it, the truth. But she did anyway, and she looked up at Xavier, waiting for his reaction. He drew the curtain back and grabbed her arm gently, pulling her out of the closet. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

She shrugged, her face directed away from him. She was trying to deal. She was trying to be okay. On her own. She was a statue, she could do this. What happened to her had to go away on its own. She wasn't weak enough to be a victim of her past. 

And most of the time, it worked. But then...

"Eden. It's okay to not be okay..."

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No it isn't. That's not what I was taught."

Xavier groaned, anger coloring his features for a moment.

"Fuck what you were taught."

One of the only times Eden knew Xav was completely serious was when he cussed. So she looked up at him, reading his eyes. 

"You have to hurt sometimes. What the hell is life without feeling something?"

He looked irritated, poignant. His face was taking too long to go back to being stoic. She could read so much in his expression at once, it stunned her.

"I think that maybe I like you."

The words rang in her head. She'd only said it once before, to Nico. And for the second time in her life, she didn't mean to. Didn't intend to articulate to someone that they could possibly have the ability to affect her. 

This time, though, it didn't feel as wrong. It was still completely terrifying, but not... 

"You think so? Weird."

Xavier using sarcasm. Something else that didn't happen often.

"You're not telling me anything I don't already know.

You almost cry when I leave, and you kiss me like I'll never touch you again. I think that might be a sign."

Eden shook her head.

"I do fucking not."

Xavier seemed to finally notice that he was still within inches of her, and he withdrew, taking a step back.

"Okay."

They stood there for a few more moments, and finally Xavier broke the silence.

"I'm going to my room, Eden. I'll talk to you later."

Eden watched him ascend the stairs, wishing there was a way to take her words back. That she had never given them voice in the first place. She had sworn to herself she would never do this again. Never let herself feel something for anyone again. Let alone tell someone they had coaxed her into it. Panic ebbed at her insides and she glanced at her computer.

She really only had one option here. 

And she was going to take it.

-------------

"Eden what are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be here for three more weeks..."

Lyric stepped back from the door, her swollen belly not as swollen as it should be under her dress. She was 32 weeks now, and the doctor assumed she would give birth around 36. Eden brushed the back of her hand across her face and Lyric's expression faltered. 

"Are you okay? What happened?"

Eden shook her head, pulling her suitcase behind her into the house. 

"Nothing. I'm okay."

Lyric shut the door softly and followed Eden into the living room, her musical voice filling the gaps in the air.

"Then why are you crying? I don't think I've ever seen you cry."

She sat down next to Eden on the couch, her face full of worry.

"You can talk to me, Eden. I'll listen. I'm kind of good at it."

Out of all of the Simon children who could have become parents, it was clear to Eden in that moment that Lyric would probably be the best at it. Any child that would belong to her, would be incredibly lucky. Eden paused for a moment, just studying her baby sister. 

If anyone deserved to be happy, to have a real life and something like this to live for, it was Lyric.

"You look beautiful, Lyr."

A blush hit Lyric's cheeks and she flattened her dress as much as she could over her stomach, a smile touching her face for a moment. But it quickly disappeared as she continued to look at her.

"Thank you, but right now, I just want to know what's going on with you. Did someone hurt you? Is that why you left Saint Claire early?"

Eden shook her head, finally catching enough breath to calm the foreign pain in her chest.

"No one hurt me but me. I'm okay, I promise."

Lyric still looked concerned, but she seemed to drop it. Like she'd determined that asking questions was going to get her nowhere. She rubbed her hand over her stomach and reached out taking Eden's. She place it on her swollen midsection and put a finger to her lips.

And then Eden felt it. A force from inside Lyric hit Eden's hand and her eyes widened. A smile broke across her face and she didn't move her hand, waiting. When the baby kicked again, she let out a small sound, the feeling in her chest fading.

"Oh my God. That's..."

"It's something else, isn't it?"

Eden laughed, finally moving her hand. She'd never felt that before in her life. It did something to her chest she didn't exactly recognize.

"I can't wait to meet him, Lyric."

Lyric nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Me either."

------------------

"Whoa, hello."

Cassius dropped his bag on the floor, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge. Eden glanced up from the kitchen table, long enough to take in his appearance, then dropped her eyes back to the ice cream container in front of her.

"How long have you been here?"

Cassius asked the question, sitting down across from her. Eden raised an eyebrow, the look on his face bringing her out of her ice cream induced reveries.

"Three days... Why?"

He seemed to weigh his answer, taking a slow drink out of the bottle. 

"I didn't even know you were. I thought you weren't going to be back until August. Where's Xavier? I thought he and Atticus were coming with you?"

Eden dropped her eyes to the container and cleared her throat.

"He decided not to come. And Atticus will be here on time."

Cassius' face grew suspicious, and he twisted the cap back onto the bottle, rolling it across the table into her hand.

"You can't lie to a liar."

Eden pushed the bottle off of the table onto the floor, kicking it across the room.

"We aren't friends. Stop talking to me like we are. My life is none of your business."

Cassius didn't change expressions, still giving her the same suspicious glare.

"Xavier is crazy about you."

That was all Cassius said as he got to his feet, leaving the water bottle where Eden had kicked it. She knew he had to be lying to her. Being a manipulative little jerk the way he always was. He was probably telling her exactly the opposite of how Xav really felt. Playing with her head, playing games, being Cassius.

He had no reason to be nice to her, so why would he be?

Cassius didn't do, or say, anything unless there was something in it for him.

She shoved the ice cream back into the freezer, reaching for her phone, out of habit.

And then she remembered... She'd left it in Saint Claire. On purpose.

"Maybe, if you slam the freezer door harder, you'll be less upset."

Carter rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, walking over to the sink. He turned on the cold water and filled a glass, looking over at his daughter.

"Why is every member of my family speaking to me now that I'm home? It's not like any of you paid attention to me when I actually lived here all the time."

Eden opened the freezer door and slammed it one more time, out of spite. Carter looked back at the sink, shaking his head.

"You look like crap."

Eden glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Gee, thanks dad."

He nodded once.

"No problem."

Eden used to be her dad's shadow. As a child, he always paid the most attention to her. He used to say she was his 'mini me'. That she reminded him the most of himself. He spoiled her rotten, treated her like a princess. When she was really little, he used to tell her, on her birthday, that she would always be his favorite. Just not to tell the others.

How things change.

As she grew up, and he worked more, they drifted apart. And she still held resentment for that. 

He tossed something to her, and she caught it. She looked down in her hands at what it was, her eyes narrowing. Why would he give her some random ring? Sure it was pretty, and it was huge. It barely fit on her finger at all. The stone was vaguely familiar in color, but she couldn't quite place it. She slid it on, looking up at him calculatingly. 

"Why are you giving me this?"

Carter shrugged a shoulder, putting his empty glass in the sink.

"I thought it might help."

"How exactly, is this going to help me?"

Carter smiled, and Eden recognized it instantly. The same smile he used to give her when she was a kid. She almost returned it, but the bitterness soaked through before she could.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out."

-----------------

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why

1-19: Is There Somewhere

I’m trying not to let it show, that I don’t want to let this go.
Is there somewhere you can meet me?

----------------

"I'm sorry."

Xavier threw another look at her, trying the keys again. The engine wouldn't start no matter how many times he tried. He put his head on the steering wheel, groaning. Eden had wanted emotion from him, but she didn't mean to get it by wrecking his car.

"How the fuck did you even manage this?"

Cussing. Probably not a good sign. Not from Xavier.

"You weren't drinking were you?"

Eden looked away, out the window.

"Not this time."

Xavier brought his head up from the steering wheel, his face blank.

"You're joking right? Do you commonly drive drunk?"

Eden's cheeks grew hot and she tugged on the hem of her shirt, trying not to look at his eyes. Anywhere near his face. They had just gotten home from Bridgeport, from the ordeal with Lyric. They'd been back in Saint Claire for one week, and she'd already fucked up whatever this was.

"I didn't actually get your car out of the driveway."

He deadpanned, his voice level.

"I can see that, thanks."

He threw open the driver's side door, walking around to the front of his car. He wasn't even sure what the hell she had done to it, he didn't know much about cars, that was Zach's thing. All he knew is somehow she made it not be able to start, halfway down the driveway with no actual damage to the outside.

And she couldn't remember what happened. But at least she hadn't been drinking. 

She was almost always drinking lately.

"Get out of my car, Eden."

His said the words calmly, but his tone was louder than it usually was.

She opened the door, slowly, shutting it quietly behind her.

"I'm sorry, Xavier. I am."

He sighed, hitting the alarm button on his key chain. Even that didn't work.

"Just... Go inside."

Eden crossed her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes.

"Fine."

She was halfway up the steps when he called out her name. By the time she turned around to face him, he was already next to her, his hands on her waistline, his face close to hers. She was completely caught off guard, and her heart skipped a beat.

"You broke my car."

She didn't exactly understand this response, but she tilted her head back to look at him, and then at his car.

"....Yes?"

He shook his head slowly, letting her go. She actually felt... almost disappointed... that he hadn't kissed her. She thought that he would. He hadn't even touched her since that night in Bridgeport though, so it wasn't too much of a surprise.

"If I can't fix this car, I'm taking yours. Just so you know."

Eden's mouth dropped open.

"You are fucking not."

He nodded once, dangling his keys in front of him.

"I am. We'll trade until you find a way to fix it."

She took the keys out of his hand and threw them behind him, on the asphalt, and turned back around to head for the door.

"Go to hell, Nile."

He didn't even bother going for the keys, just watched her walk up the steps.

"I'm trying to decide what it is about you that drives me crazy, and I think I'm starting to figure it out."

He called out the words as she reached the door to the building. She sent him a glare and flipped him off, opening the door.

"I drive you crazy, because I am crazy. Have a nice night, stalker."

-------------

"Eden. Wake up."

She sat up quickly, her chest heaving, her face wet. Had she actually been crying in her sleep? It had been weeks since she had done that... She looked around, her eyes trying to adjust to the darkness. Who the hell had just spoken?

"You were screaming."

She finally recognized the voice, dropping back into her bed. Xavier was standing on the stairs that led down into her room, and his face was barely discernible in the darkness. He and Atticus had moved in, and Kiara consequently moved out, when Atticus had gotten kicked out of his apartment 'for noise complaints'.

Eden didn't want anywhere near an elaboration. She was pissed enough that she was living with two boys and not her best friend. Especially since one of them made her frustrated in about seven hundred more ways than the other.

"You can go away now."

He didn't move at her words, still just looking over the side of the stairs at her.

"Like five minutes ago."

She turned over onto her stomach, pulling one of her pillows over her head. She heard his muffled footsteps, but they didn't go up the stairs like she had hoped. His weight pressed into the side of her bed, right next to her, and she moved the pillow aside, looking out of the corner at him.

"Why did you not go away?"

He took the pillow off of her head, tossing it behind her.

"I think I have a thing for wanting to kiss you when you cry."

She stared at him, dumbfounded.

"That's a really awkward thing to get turned on by...."

He laughed quietly, running his hand through his hair.

"I didn't say I wanted to sleep with you. Just that it makes me want to kiss you.

Which, I guess... Isn't any less awkward."

"Not really..."

Her tone was dry, and she felt naked without the pillow to cover up her head again.

"Well, I'm not crying, so your kissing fetish is gonna have to wait for the next damsel in distress, sorry."

She sat up, pulling her blankets over her legs, wondering why he still hadn't left yet.

"Nah, I don't think so."

He tugged the blanket out of her grip, placing his hand on her leg. He traced his fingers along the indentations that sleeping on the comforter had caused, stopping when he reached her hip. She didn't watch what his hand was doing, because she was too busy trying to read his face.

It was like it had become her favorite game.

'What is Xavier feeling?'

Thinking.

"Then kiss me."

Shut up, Eden.

He moved his eyes from her legs to her face, nodding slightly, just once. He pulled her closer to him, tracing his lips over hers. For less than three seconds. Enough to leave his taste on her lips, but not long enough to actually satiate her.

He released his grip on her legs, getting to his feet. He was almost to the top of the stairs when she finally spoke, her voice quiet, annoyed.

"I hate you." 

"No. You don't."

---------------

"We should probably talk about this."

Eden looked up from her homework, raising an eyebrow. Her stuff was spread across the living room floor, because she refused to do homework in her own room. Not because of any real reason. Just because she was stubborn. And enjoyed annoying the guys.

Xavier dropped onto the couch, looking over at her.

"What, exactly, are we talking about?"

She put the eraser part of her pencil in her mouth, trying to ignore the tension in the room that he caused just by walking in. 

"You know what I'm talking about.

Every time I'm around you, alone, we're touching. Or randomly kissing, or something."

Eden directed her eyes back to her math textbook, she reached out and took a drink of her soda, tracing her finger along the edge.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Xavier made a noise, and Eden looked back over at him, narrowing her eyes.

"I'm not going to ask you to date me. I know you don't do that."

Something dropped into the bottom of her stomach, but she didn't know what it was. She definitely didn't expect that to come out of his mouth. He was right for all intents and purposes, but she had never actually said that to him, had she?

Eden had never had a boyfriend in her life, she wouldn't even know what to do with one if she did. What did couples even do besides bang?

"Gotcha. Can I do my mentally stimulating homework now? I have to get my degree so I don't end up having to marry rich to stay rich."

Xavier's face grew irritated, but he stood up, walking over to her. He knelt down next to her, taking the pencil out of her hand. He tossed it onto her textbook and brushed her hair out of her eyes. She tried to ignore the tension, but it was worse when he was this close.

"I'm sorry."

She rolled her eyes, pulling a cigarette out of the pack next to her.

"Mmhmm. Bye."

She lit it and blew the smoke away from him as he straightened up, his face unreadable. At least mostly.

"Yeah. Bye."

-----------------

"Are you ever sober?"

Xavier watched Eden spin the empty vodka bottle in another circle, looking up at his face. She glanced in his direction, spinning it again. Twice more. She shrugged a shoulder, biting down on her lip. 

"You're not my boyfriend. Why does it matter to you?"

He shook his head, letting out a long breath. 

"You're stuck on that, again? Is that why I came in here and you were already halfway through that bottle?"

Eden didn't respond, spinning it again. Xavier stood still for a moment, and then walked over to her, kicking the bottle out of her reach. She got to her feet, clenching her hands into fists at her sides.

"Why the hell did you do that?"

Her voice was a high pitched demand, but he didn't recoil, just stood his ground in front of her, looking down at her face. He was calm, collected. Same as always.

And same as always, it drove Eden up the wall.

"I'm not here to play games with you, Eden. I said I wouldn't date you two months ago, and you said you didn't care. So why have you been acting like this ever since you found out? You said you don't want a boyfriend, and I reinforced your statement. You should be fine."

His voice was smooth, but Eden had been around him enough to know he was angry. The only way to detect it was a quick flash behind his eyes. You had to pay attention to know. The glimpses of emotion with Xavier were brief, they were hidden, unless you knew where to look. 

And by now, Eden did.

"Can you go be a brick wall somewhere else? I'm trying to drink."

She turned to go back to the mini fridge in her room, but Xavier grabbed her arm, turning her back to face him.

"I think you've had enough."

She relaxed into his grip, her eyes full of ice.

"Not. My. Boyfriend. Let me go."

He released her at once, dropping his hand to his side.

"You're right. Go ahead. Reiterate it to me. To yourself. It won't get any less true. And it won't ever change when you're like this."

Everyone has their coping mechanisms. Most people go to therapy when they have clear, concise symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Eden chose to drink hers away.

"Maybe I don't want it to ever change. Maybe I don't want you like that. Maybe I don't ever want anyone like that."

Xavier pulled his car keys out of his pocket, grabbing his jacket off of the chair in her room.

"You might not have had enough, but I have for the night. I'll talk to you later."

Eden hesitated, watching him walk to the door, watching it open.

"Xav."

He turned to face her, watched her face fall, the way her eyes pleaded. The same look she always gave him when he left. 

"Don't leave. Please?"

He paused, a heavy sigh on his breath. He shut the door and walked over to her, pulling her to his chest. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and she noticed she still hadn't let her hands go from the fists they had been in. He ran his fingers through her hair and she let out a noise somewhere between a whine and a groan.

"You're insane, Eden."

"I told you."

-------------------

-It's a boy!-

Eden slid her phone back in her pocket after typing out her congratulations to Lyric. She was 26 weeks pregnant, and he doctor had told her she would probably deliver early. She was high risk, and she was worried that something would be wrong with the baby. But so far, nothing seemed to be. 

Eden had promised to come home at the end of the summer semester, to be with Lyric for the fall. After that, she planned to come back to Saint Claire to finish her degree. Deferring for a semester couldn't be too bad right? Lyric needed her more than this place did. Not to mention, Kiara promised to come home from Hidden Springs for that time to help too.

She'd have her baby sister, a new nephew, and her best friend back. Just two and a half  months, and she'd be home.

What more could she ask for?

Well...

She shook her head. Nope. She refused to even dwell on it. All it would do is complicate things. It wasn't like her and Xavier had gotten anywhere. Sometimes they kissed, sometimes she let him hug her. But then there was the fighting, the drinking, the... complications. That's all it was.

"Hey. You in here?"

Xavier knocked on the wall before walking around the corner into the bar area. She tipped back a drink, looking over at him.

"How did you ever guess?"

Her tone was biting, cold.

He just sighed, watching her make another drink.

"I really have no idea how you've passed any of your classes the way that you drink."

I have no idea how you haven't murdered me in my sleep for the way I drink.

"Luck."

She swallowed, sitting the empty glass back down on the surface of the bar, looking up at him. She hadn't told him what she was going to do, wasn't even sure he was entitled to know. But it wasn't like it was right of her to just disappear. 

"I'm going back to Bridgeport in August. Lyric is due in September, but they think she might go a few weeks early. I want to be there for her."

Xavier studied her face, his own flashing a hint of disappointment.

"Oh. Alright. Looks like I am too then."

Eden shook her head.

"No you are not. You're going into medical school, you've busted your ass getting as far as you have towards that. You're staying right here."

"I'm going where you go, so."

Eden rolled her eyes.

"Actually. Guess what?"

She got to her feet, walking over to him. She popped the top button open on his shirt and pushed his hair into his face.

"I'm going to my room. And you? You are not! Look at that."

He scowled at her and readjusted his shirt, leaving his hair the way she had put it. She was almost to the stairs that led down into her room when she noticed the look on his face from the corner of her eye. She turned to look at him, tilting her head.

"Why are you smiling like that? What's wrong with you?"

He smirked, collecting his features before he responded.

"I think I figured it out."

She put her hands on her hips, confused.

"Figured what out?"

He nodded towards her room.

"Don't worry about it. I'll talk to you later. Goodnight, Eden."

He waved at her, walking over and taking the stairs up to his own room, leaving her the way he always did.

With too many questions, and absolutely no answers.

--------------

And I try to refrain but you’re stuck in my brain.
And all I do is cry and complain, because second’s not the same.

***

And I promised myself I wouldn't let you complete me