When I was a child, I'd sit for hours
Staring into open flame
Something in it had a power
Could barely tear my eyes away...
-------
Eden knocked on Alec's door, softly. The sound was louder than she thought it would be, but then again, maybe it was just her nerves. Taking the sound and multiplying it. She heard shuffling from behind the door and it cracked open. It was pitch black aside from the screen in Alec's hand.
He pulled the headphones out one by one, smiling at her. He opened the door wide enough so she could scoot through and locked it when it snapped shut.
"You get caught in here, and we'll both be in trouble, Eden."
She nodded, looking around his room at what she could see of it. It was neatly organized, almost to the point that it was painful. It was the complete opposite of Eden's room in her apartment. She brought her eyes back to his, approaching him slowly. She reached for his iPod, dropping it onto the bed next to her.
"What are you-"
She put a finger to her lips, hooking one of her fingers in the belt loop of his jeans, closing the distance between them. She hesitated for a moment, looking at the reflection of the lit up screen in the frames of glasses. She took those too, setting them on his desk. She brushed a piece of hair out of his eyes, pressing onto her toes just enough to reach his lips.
She could feel the delay in his reaction. Like he didn't know what to do, how to react. Where to put his hands or what, exactly, was going on.
When he finally rested his hands on her waist, she deepened the kiss, that demon in her head whispering sweet words pushing her forward. That same demonic voice that controlled her when it came to every man she got under her fingertips. The one that made her tick. Under pressure, in panic, in uncertainty.
The one that catalyzed who she was, who she has always been.
She ran her hands under his shirt, taking a step back and he followed, the back of her knees hitting the bed he had pushed up against the wall in this tiny room. He didn't break the kiss, he didn't ask questions, he just followed her lead.
She pulled away long enough to breathe, meeting his lips again in the darkness. Are you really going to do this? A second voice was trying to combat the first, but it was lost. In the heat of his skin under hers, the racing of her heart in her ears, her chest. She could hear something playing from the tiny speakers on his bed and she pushed it off. It made a small thunk as it hit the floor, but he didn't seem to notice.
His hands fumbled with the tie on the front of her shirt, but he managed, the noise muted by heavy breaths. She sat down and pulled him next to her, moving so her knees were on either side of his lap. The moments were hazy, and she was numb the way she always was. Because this was physical. She didn't need to be mentally available, didn't need to be consciously in this moment.
That was how she operated, after all.
But she caught a glimpse of his face. It was cast in shadow, barely lit by the bright red numbers on his alarm clock. But it was enough.
She felt his fingers go to the button on her jeans and she put both hands on his chest, pushing him away enough to break their kiss.
"I can't do this."
He looked confused, hurt, worried.
"Did I... Did I do something?"
It was just a whisper, but it took the remainder of that evil voice and shattered it, bringing Eden headfirst back into reality. Into exactly what she was doing. She moved off of him, getting to her feet. The distance between them was almost nothing, but too much for her to read anything on his face.
"No, Alec. You didn't. But I almost did."
Silence.
"What does that mean?"
She tried to see in the red-lit semi darkness, to find her shirt, so she could leave. So she could get away. So she didn't have to explain.
"I just... This was almost a mistake. I can't sleep with you, I like you too much. I can't hurt you like that."
She mumbled the words, still not able to find what she was searching for. What the hell was happening to her? Had Nico really changed her this much? It was like she was becoming a different person.
"I don't think I'm understanding what you're trying to say here, Eden. It's not like I was objecting."
She shook her head, looking up at him as he stood, his face finally discernible in the red light. He looked so upset...
"No... You don't understand. Someone was... Someone was trying to get me to do this with you, but they wouldn't tell me why."
His face grew more confused, and he continued to stare at her, as she finally located her shirt and pulled it over her head.
"Max. He wanted me to sleep with you. So I said that I would, but I can't. You're too good for this."
She went for the door, to get out, to not have to watch him take this realization in, but he crossed the room faster than she could. He stood in front of the door and she took an automatic step back at the look in his eyes. He had just went from hurt, to pissed.
"So this was a game?"
He said the words simply, cold. She didn't know how to respond to that. How to react to what was going on. Why wouldn't he just let her leave?
"No, Alec. Not all of it.
I guess it started off that way, but it didn't stay that way for me."
"Well, I'm glad to know something changed your mind into not manipulating me into screwing you. Thanks."
His voice rose with every word he spoke and Eden put a finger to her lips, shhhing him. Trying to. She was panicking now, at war in her mind with these new things she'd been learning existed. Emotions.
"Alec, let me go home. I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you anymore. I'm sorry, okay. I should have never let it get this far."
He opened the drawer next to him and she made to move for the door when she noticed a flash of black in the red light. She froze in her tracks, her heart skipping a beat.
"Alec..."
He pointed the gun towards her and she held her hands up in front of her chest, taking a step back. Was this a dream? This couldn't actually be happening, right? He wasn't a psycho. She would have noticed he was, right? She felt something crunch under her shoe, but she couldn't tear her eyes off of the metal in his hand long enough to see what it was.
"Do you make it a habit to play games with people's feelings? To fuck with people's heads? Is that what you wanted? To hurt me? Because even if you didn't fuck me, you still succeeded. So maybe I should hurt you too."
His voice was hysterical, anger and contrition colliding in the air as he threw the words at her. She followed the path of the gun as he waved it, praying to God, somehow it wouldn't go off.
"I'm sorry! I'm an idiot, okay? I don't think things through.
I know took this too far, but I don't deserve this, Alec. Please?"
Tears fell down her cheeks in waves, her voice cracking over and over again. She had never felt this pathetic, this vulnerable, in her entire existence.
Someday, something bad is going to happen to you.
His hand steadied, raising the gun toward her again, aimed right between her eyes.
"You do deserve this. You deserve worse than this. This is giving it to you easy."
He was out of his mind, Eden wasn't even sure he knew what he was saying. Her chest ached, her heart struggling to beat out of her rib cage, her lungs begging him to let her maintain breath. She took a tentative step forward, looking for words. Looking for some way, any way, out of this.
She was no where near ready to die.
"Alec, just... put the gun down. Please. Don't do this. Your entire future will be gone if you do. You'll throw it away for someone like me."
Her voice broke on the last three words, taking one more step towards the shaking boy in front of her. She was so close to the gun now, she could almost feel the cold metal on her face.
"What are you doing? Why would you walk closer to me? Why are you so stupid?"
"Because I just am! I'm stupid, and I'm heartless, and I'm cruel. I hate emotions and I hate people. I hate love and I feel through sex. I don't care who I manipulate because they don't matter to me. No one matters to me.
But you aren't like me, Alec. You're a good guy. You're smart and you're sweet and you're so fucking innocent."
Irony.
"Please... Think about this. I know you've been hurt, and I know I made it worse, but this isn't worth it. I'm not worth it.
Don't throw your life away for this."
He lowered the gun slowly, taking in her words. It dropped inch by inch towards the ground and he stared at her, watching the tears fall down her face, the way she trembled as she spoke. The honesty in her syllables echoed in the air, soaked into his brain like her words held some weight, some... something.
"Do you really think all of those things about yourself?"
Eden tore her eyes away from the gun long enough to look at his eyes, how he calculated her.
"I do."
Alec just stood there for a few more minutes, staring at her. He didn't break eye contact, didn't flinch, didn't speak a word.
Finally... he sat the gun on the desk next to him and opened the door, walking out.
Eden collapsed to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. All she could do was cry. Her lungs finally filled with air, and each exhale left her body shuddering. The noises she made were self shattering, tearing her carefully constructed walls apart piece by piece. Into nothing.
The door fell shut, by some force she couldn't see, and the room was pitch black again, except for one thing.
The flickering light of the shattered iPod screen on the floor next to her.
Someday, something bad is going to happen to you.
He pulled the headphones out one by one, smiling at her. He opened the door wide enough so she could scoot through and locked it when it snapped shut.
"You get caught in here, and we'll both be in trouble, Eden."
She nodded, looking around his room at what she could see of it. It was neatly organized, almost to the point that it was painful. It was the complete opposite of Eden's room in her apartment. She brought her eyes back to his, approaching him slowly. She reached for his iPod, dropping it onto the bed next to her.
"What are you-"
She put a finger to her lips, hooking one of her fingers in the belt loop of his jeans, closing the distance between them. She hesitated for a moment, looking at the reflection of the lit up screen in the frames of glasses. She took those too, setting them on his desk. She brushed a piece of hair out of his eyes, pressing onto her toes just enough to reach his lips.
She could feel the delay in his reaction. Like he didn't know what to do, how to react. Where to put his hands or what, exactly, was going on.
When he finally rested his hands on her waist, she deepened the kiss, that demon in her head whispering sweet words pushing her forward. That same demonic voice that controlled her when it came to every man she got under her fingertips. The one that made her tick. Under pressure, in panic, in uncertainty.
The one that catalyzed who she was, who she has always been.
She ran her hands under his shirt, taking a step back and he followed, the back of her knees hitting the bed he had pushed up against the wall in this tiny room. He didn't break the kiss, he didn't ask questions, he just followed her lead.
She pulled away long enough to breathe, meeting his lips again in the darkness. Are you really going to do this? A second voice was trying to combat the first, but it was lost. In the heat of his skin under hers, the racing of her heart in her ears, her chest. She could hear something playing from the tiny speakers on his bed and she pushed it off. It made a small thunk as it hit the floor, but he didn't seem to notice.
His hands fumbled with the tie on the front of her shirt, but he managed, the noise muted by heavy breaths. She sat down and pulled him next to her, moving so her knees were on either side of his lap. The moments were hazy, and she was numb the way she always was. Because this was physical. She didn't need to be mentally available, didn't need to be consciously in this moment.
That was how she operated, after all.
But she caught a glimpse of his face. It was cast in shadow, barely lit by the bright red numbers on his alarm clock. But it was enough.
She felt his fingers go to the button on her jeans and she put both hands on his chest, pushing him away enough to break their kiss.
"I can't do this."
He looked confused, hurt, worried.
"Did I... Did I do something?"
It was just a whisper, but it took the remainder of that evil voice and shattered it, bringing Eden headfirst back into reality. Into exactly what she was doing. She moved off of him, getting to her feet. The distance between them was almost nothing, but too much for her to read anything on his face.
"No, Alec. You didn't. But I almost did."
Silence.
"What does that mean?"
She tried to see in the red-lit semi darkness, to find her shirt, so she could leave. So she could get away. So she didn't have to explain.
"I just... This was almost a mistake. I can't sleep with you, I like you too much. I can't hurt you like that."
She mumbled the words, still not able to find what she was searching for. What the hell was happening to her? Had Nico really changed her this much? It was like she was becoming a different person.
"I don't think I'm understanding what you're trying to say here, Eden. It's not like I was objecting."
She shook her head, looking up at him as he stood, his face finally discernible in the red light. He looked so upset...
"No... You don't understand. Someone was... Someone was trying to get me to do this with you, but they wouldn't tell me why."
His face grew more confused, and he continued to stare at her, as she finally located her shirt and pulled it over her head.
"Max. He wanted me to sleep with you. So I said that I would, but I can't. You're too good for this."
She went for the door, to get out, to not have to watch him take this realization in, but he crossed the room faster than she could. He stood in front of the door and she took an automatic step back at the look in his eyes. He had just went from hurt, to pissed.
"So this was a game?"
He said the words simply, cold. She didn't know how to respond to that. How to react to what was going on. Why wouldn't he just let her leave?
"No, Alec. Not all of it.
I guess it started off that way, but it didn't stay that way for me."
"Well, I'm glad to know something changed your mind into not manipulating me into screwing you. Thanks."
His voice rose with every word he spoke and Eden put a finger to her lips, shhhing him. Trying to. She was panicking now, at war in her mind with these new things she'd been learning existed. Emotions.
"Alec, let me go home. I'll leave you alone. I won't bother you anymore. I'm sorry, okay. I should have never let it get this far."
He opened the drawer next to him and she made to move for the door when she noticed a flash of black in the red light. She froze in her tracks, her heart skipping a beat.
"Alec..."
He pointed the gun towards her and she held her hands up in front of her chest, taking a step back. Was this a dream? This couldn't actually be happening, right? He wasn't a psycho. She would have noticed he was, right? She felt something crunch under her shoe, but she couldn't tear her eyes off of the metal in his hand long enough to see what it was.
"Do you make it a habit to play games with people's feelings? To fuck with people's heads? Is that what you wanted? To hurt me? Because even if you didn't fuck me, you still succeeded. So maybe I should hurt you too."
His voice was hysterical, anger and contrition colliding in the air as he threw the words at her. She followed the path of the gun as he waved it, praying to God, somehow it wouldn't go off.
"I'm sorry! I'm an idiot, okay? I don't think things through.
I know took this too far, but I don't deserve this, Alec. Please?"
Tears fell down her cheeks in waves, her voice cracking over and over again. She had never felt this pathetic, this vulnerable, in her entire existence.
Someday, something bad is going to happen to you.
His hand steadied, raising the gun toward her again, aimed right between her eyes.
"You do deserve this. You deserve worse than this. This is giving it to you easy."
He was out of his mind, Eden wasn't even sure he knew what he was saying. Her chest ached, her heart struggling to beat out of her rib cage, her lungs begging him to let her maintain breath. She took a tentative step forward, looking for words. Looking for some way, any way, out of this.
She was no where near ready to die.
"Alec, just... put the gun down. Please. Don't do this. Your entire future will be gone if you do. You'll throw it away for someone like me."
Her voice broke on the last three words, taking one more step towards the shaking boy in front of her. She was so close to the gun now, she could almost feel the cold metal on her face.
"What are you doing? Why would you walk closer to me? Why are you so stupid?"
"Because I just am! I'm stupid, and I'm heartless, and I'm cruel. I hate emotions and I hate people. I hate love and I feel through sex. I don't care who I manipulate because they don't matter to me. No one matters to me.
But you aren't like me, Alec. You're a good guy. You're smart and you're sweet and you're so fucking innocent."
Irony.
"Please... Think about this. I know you've been hurt, and I know I made it worse, but this isn't worth it. I'm not worth it.
Don't throw your life away for this."
He lowered the gun slowly, taking in her words. It dropped inch by inch towards the ground and he stared at her, watching the tears fall down her face, the way she trembled as she spoke. The honesty in her syllables echoed in the air, soaked into his brain like her words held some weight, some... something.
"Do you really think all of those things about yourself?"
Eden tore her eyes away from the gun long enough to look at his eyes, how he calculated her.
"I do."
Alec just stood there for a few more minutes, staring at her. He didn't break eye contact, didn't flinch, didn't speak a word.
Finally... he sat the gun on the desk next to him and opened the door, walking out.
Eden collapsed to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. All she could do was cry. Her lungs finally filled with air, and each exhale left her body shuddering. The noises she made were self shattering, tearing her carefully constructed walls apart piece by piece. Into nothing.
The door fell shut, by some force she couldn't see, and the room was pitch black again, except for one thing.
The flickering light of the shattered iPod screen on the floor next to her.
Someday, something bad is going to happen to you.
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I knew that something would always rule me
I knew this sin was mine alone.
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