1-8: Wreck of the Day

Driving away from the wreck of the day

And the light's always red in the rear view

Desperately close to a coffin of hope

I'd cheat destiny just to be near you.

[A/N this chapter corresponds with chapter four of my friend Josh's legacy Self Conclusion. Click here and things might just make a little more sense. ^_^]

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"Wait, you did what?"

Eden put her head in her hands and sat back against the wall, not wanting to see the look in Nico's eyes. 

"You heard me, Nico. Come on... You know who I am. What did you really expect?"

She didn't see it, but she heard the shuffle of him standing, him walking away. 

"Not that. Not right now."

She sighed, bringing her gaze up to meet his. She dropped her hands onto the seat next to her, shrugging one shoulder.

"Nothing changed. You had feelings, I thought I did too."

Lie.

"Clearly, I was wrong."

Bigger lie.

"If I really felt something for you, I wouldn't have done it, right?"

If you can't convince yourself, maybe you can convince him.

"I'd say I'm sorry... But I'm not."

Lie, lie, lie.

Nico shook his head, lifting his hands into the air and dropping them to his side. His gaze never swept away from hers, and that made it so much worse. He could have looked down at the floor, or out of the window, something. Not straight into her own like he was searching her. Searching for the truth she refused  to acknowledge. That she'd continue to bury and act like it was never there.

"I really don't know who the fuck you're trying to convince, Eden. But it sure as hell isn't me."

He pushed his shoes onto his feet and stood with his hand on the doorknob, much like a few weeks ago. Before Eden had went from 'why the fuck are you here' to 'please stay'. She'd wanted that all over with, wanted to rid herself of even the possibility of something with Nico. Looked a lot like she had accomplished that.

"You deserve an award for that act though. If I didn't actually know you, I probably would have believed you."

His sigh echoed through her room, even with the soft music playing from her laptop.

"This is pathetic. Even for you."

What the hell was that even supposed to mean? Since were the things she did pathetic?

Really? Who are you fooling?

The silence was heavy. Louder than anything else he could say or she could respond with. Why did this feel like they were breaking up? Why did she feel like she had cheated on him? It wasn't like they were legitimately dating. She hadn't been his girlfriend. Things had been mutually singular for a while, so what? That did not mean that she had to keep it that way.

But this was different. In some way. You know that it was.

She groaned out loud at her thoughts, picking at a loose thread on her rug. Keeping her eyes on the floor now. Yet, she could still feel his cutting into her.

"So where the fuck do we stand now?"

Since when is it her asking these questions? Like she legitimately wanted them to be okay. She didn't care. She couldn't care and she wouldn't. She had got what she wanted. Him out of her head. Right?

Yeah... For one night. For two hours. Well done, Eden.

He scoffed, the hinges to her door squeaking as it opened and shut behind him. He didn't express any type of reply besides that. Eden sighed, dropping onto her back on the floor. Whatever happened, happened. It was either the end or it wasn't. It didn't really matter to her in the end... Right?

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-You're not my boyfriend.-

-Aren't I, though?-

·        

-Nico.... I can't be with you. I can't be with anyone.-

-You haven't tried it... How do you know until you try?-

-I'm not going to try, I'll be just like her.-

-You're never gonna be her.-

-I pretty much am except not with the 105 babies. I'm going to hurt you, just so you know.-

-I'm prepared. So don't stop yourself from being with me to minimize the damage.-

-You already expect it, so really what would be the point.-

-The time I get with you... sounds worth it, honestly.-

-When we were fifteen you looked me in the eyes and promised me you'd never get feelings for me. Remember?-

-15 year old me was a liar. You promised the same...-

-Yeah well, I'm a liar too, I guess.-

-Eden.-

-Nico? What?-

-I just. I dunno.-

-You love me.-

-I...What?-

-Nothing-

-Wait, no, what did you say?-

-Nothing. It doesn't matter. Jesus Christ.-

-Yes it fucking does.-

-....Okay. You love me.-

-Do I?-

-I don't fucking know.-

-Do you?-

-No.-

-Okay. Glad we got that sorted.-

-Nico. You didn't even...-

-Does it matter what I say?

We both know.-

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"I've looked everywhere, Kiara. Where the hell is he?"

Kiara raised an eyebrow at her emerald-eyed friend and took a drink out of her solo cup, shrugging her shoulders. She still wasn't even sure what the hell was up with Eden. In the past three months she had totally changed her view on Nico. To an almost alarming degree. She had spent so much time with him, Kiara had barely seen her.

"You act like you're in love with him. It's gross. Even Atticus has said something to me about it. Out of everyone, you fell for Firecrotch? Why."

Kiara's tone was playful but Eden glared at her, pulling out her phone and sending another message to Nico. After this afternoon, after those texts, she had thought that maybe they could work something out. Maybe not dating, but something. Being something real, just once, to someone in her life?

She wanted to blame the alcohol she had consumed during and after the texts for this sudden epiphany. For this actual desire to maybe have something work in her life. And maybe it was the alcohol. But then again, maybe it wasn't.

"I swear to God... it's like he disappeared off the face of the planet."

She had assumed that he would be here. Probably with his group of random friends she barely knew in tow. But she hadn't even seen any of them. He was always at these things, so what the fuck was going on?

Eden took the cup out of Kiara's hand and drained it, dropping the empty container onto the floor and kicking it under a nearby chair.

"Why don't you just let him go for one night? You know... Hang out with your best friend you keep ditching."

Eden huffed, nodding in agreement. Kiara had a point. She was being pathetic. So unlike herself. Again and again. This is what feelings do to people. They make them stupid. And yet she couldn't seem to knock any sense into herself. Even sleeping with Max didn't change it. This morning when Nico left, she felt an overwhelming urge to take it all back... To make things right.

Her plan to rid herself of Nico Holmes was failing catastrophically. 

It wasn't love, not quite.... But it was definitely something.

"Don't act like I obsessively talk about him, Hunter. We're still just friends."

Kiara gave her a deliberate look, linking her arm through Eden's and pulling her towards the living room. She passed through the kitchen, pushing people aside to make enough room for the two of them. There were a lot of people piled into the one bedroom house Max had recently moved into. But Eden could almost guarantee she had searched every face in the crowd.

All she wanted was to talk to him. She hadn't responded to his final text because she wanted to say it in person. Which is why it sucked so much that he hadn't shown up here tonight. She'd just go to his place in the morning. Or call him when she got home. Either way, he'd know. The truth in the very least. He'd get a chance. At least one.

Maybe giving him that chance would make her mind stop doing the turbulent circles it was so consistent with lately.

Kiara dropped onto the single couch in Max's living room and pulled Eden down next to her. She took Eden's cell phone out of her hand and shoved it into her own pocket, giving her a wide smile. 

"No more Firecrotch. At least for the rest of tonight. For fuck's sake. You're not a druken lovesick teenager, so let's cut the crap, E."

Eden rolled her eyes and picked up the bottle off the coffee table in front of her, holding it up to Kiara.

"Cheers, then."

She brought the bottle to her lips, barely tasting the acrid liquid before she saw something through the mottled clearness of the bottle. She lowered it down, resting it on her lap, her lips parted just slightly.

"Is this a fucking joke?"

She muttered the words, sliding them into the air barely above a whisper.

Kiara's forehead wrinkled and she followed Eden's gaze, her eyes widening when she caught the source of her utterance.

"Oh... shit."

Eden got to her feet, the bottle falling to the floor, vodka seeping out and into the rug Max's mother had probably forced him to have. Nico and Sarah both reached the bottom of the staircase at the same time Eden did. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to lash out at both of them, maybe even just one of them.

But all she felt was... hurt. 

She said she'd never let him close enough to do this. 

What the hell have I done?

"There's only one thing up those stairs. One room. Are you serious? Nico?"

Hypocritical, maybe. But... She had thought that the messages meant something had changed. Something was different. Of course she was wrong. 

"Eden... He wasn't your boyfri-"

"Shut the fuck up, Sarah."

Kiara cut her off and Sarah backed up towards the front door, hands in front of her chest. She didn't speak a word as she turned the handle and exited, just gave Eden a look that was almost... sympathetic...

"Eden..."

Nico tried to speak, he moved towards her, as if to touch her, but Eden took a step backwards, out of his reach. 

"No. You don't get to touch me. Not anymore."

Not ever again.

This was all a mistake.

She stood there for a moment, her eyes locked on his. She had nothing more to say. She felt nothing but this overwhelming pressure on her chest and she had absolutely no name for it. She shook her head slowly, taking one more step backwards before turning around. She grabbed her phone out of Kiara's pocket and exited the way Sarah had, heading down the hill to her car.

She couldn't process this. Not right now. Right now she just needed to get away.

She slid into the driver's seat before the tears fell and she leaned her head back against the seat. She hadn't cried since Evein died. Not one tear. Now they slid down her face like she did it all the time, like it was natural. 

This was why. This was exactly why. The reason she was who she was. Why no one got close. Because this is what your heart does to you. Love is poisonous. In all forms. It eradicates you. She'd watched it destroy her parents, tear normal people apart. Turn human beings into empty shells.

A million warning bells in her head... And her feelings had over ruled every single one of them. 

She felt stupid, and she felt like her own mind had turned against her.

Never again.

She wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand and slammed on the gas, the tires screeching on the pavement. It was like that little excerpt of emotion wiped her heart clean. Ravaged that voice in her head that wanted him once and for all. It was ironic when she had finally stopped looking for a reason to get over him, he'd placed one right in her lap.

 Now she felt nothing. Numb.

Numb and... full of direction.

If he could play her, she could play him too.

And she knew exactly what to do.
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Eden pulled her dress over her head, the smoky haze in her room making her head hurt. She had been chain smoking and drinking for days. She didn't have any classes anymore and hadn't for a week, because today was graduation. She hadn't spoken to Nico since that night, and didn't plan to.

Well... Okay. She did plan to. But she had a really good reason.

Atticus poked his head in through her door just as she finished adjusting her dress in her mirror. 

"Oh my God, A. Knock please."

She crossed her arms over her chest, rolling her eyes. The door opened the rest of the way and Xavier and Kyle spilled inside.

"Why? Were you naked? You should do what you just did... in reverse."

Kyle's voice was boisterous and annoying, but instead of reprimanding him, Eden smirked, turning back around to face her mirror. 

"I don't know. Maybe you can get a hold of me later tonight and I could consider it."

The room grew quiet and Eden turned around to find all three boys still standing there. Xavier's face was blank, his eyes on the floor. But the other two looked like she had just told them she stripped in her spare time. She tilted her head to the side, the half grin still in place.

"What?"

Kyle shook his head, his face still colored with surprise.

"Nothing. Not what I was expecting is all."

Xavier turned and pushed his way through the other two boys and the sound of his footsteps were so heavy on the stairs it carried into her room. She wasn't sure exactly what that was about, but alright.

She bit down on her lip, grabbing her graduation robes off of her bed. She walked over to Kyle and shrugged one shoulder, brushing past both of them.

"I guess I've changed then.

But you'll have to be patient. 

There's something I have to do first."

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And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up.

And if this is giving up

I'm giving up, giving up on love, on love.