2-16: Never Gonna Change

You're pushing down on my shoulders
And emptying my lungs
And in a moment I'm older
In a moment, you've won
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January passed without incident. Thorne didn't touch her again. His eyes almost stayed gentle. They almost showed emotion. It was as if he was a completely different person. Rain grew used to his warmth. Glowed in it.

She didn't know what happened that night, but she was convinced it had been a fluke. Convinced that it was just something that happened, something she could move forward from.

But, as February began, something shifted in the atmosphere of their home. As if the cold entered the walls and permeated everything the way the snow fell on the ground.

She couldn't touch anything without it freezing beneath her fingertips, and she wasn't sure that love should feel like that. That he should feel like that.

But, still, she held onto that faith in him. The reason she married him in the first place. He was the reason that she was happy now. Even if that happiness iced over on impact.

-----------------------

Something awoke Rain from her dreams. Some buzzing from the vicinity of her bed. It was repetitive and obnoxious and she couldn't block it out. She opened one blurry eye glancing at the windows in her bedroom, letting out a soft groan.

The sun isn't even out yet. Who could possibly be calling me?

She turned over amongst the sheets, noticing the spot next to her was empty. Empty except for her vibrating mobile device. The screen was bright in the darkness, and she had to blink a couple of times to let the picture of her sister's face on the screen come into focus.

"Storm? Are you aware that it's 4 AM here?"

Her voice was rough, covered in the remnants of sleep. And at first, Storm's sounded similar when she began speaking, and then Rain realized she was holding back tears.

It was such a rare occurrence in her sister's undulations that she would recognize it in anywhere.

"Rain, something's happened with Thaddeous."

Rain sat up quickly, her head woozy from the suddenness of it. It took a few moments for her to force words out of her mouth. To ask to hear whatever it could be.

"What happened?"

"He overdosed. Heroin."

Storm paused on the other end, speaking to someone in the background. But she had to have covered the mouthpiece because Rain didn't hear what she said to them.

"They think he might not make it. He's in the hospital. 

I think... I think you should come home. I think you should come and see him just in case, doll."

Rain ran her hand through her hair, her eyes travelling to the bedroom door. 

"Okay, Storm. Okay. Let me talk to Thorne about this. I'll call you back."

Storm's voice rose an octave when she replied, disbelief clear in her voice.

"Talk to him about it? This is your brother. You need to be here. He can't stop you from that."

Rain nodded, even though Storm couldn't see her.

"I know. I'll be there. I love you."

But as she hung up the call, her chest prickled. Thorne wouldn't keep her from this. There was no way.

She pulled the sheets off of her and made her way downstairs, listening to signs of Thorne's presence. She followed the noise of keys being typed all the way into his office, pushing the door open softly. He looked up at her as she entered, pulling the glasses off of his face.
"Hi."

Her voice was light in the dark room, but his was cold. 

Everything from him was always so cold.

"Why are you awake?"

Rain sighed, holding her phone up.

"I need to go to California. Right now. My brother is in the hospital, Thorne."

Thorne sat his glasses on the desk in front of him and got to his feet, walking over to her and taking the phone. He tossed that on his desk too and turned back to her, shaking his head.

"No. You don't. You're not going anywhere without me, and I have too much work to do to leave on such short notice."

Rain's mouth dropped open and she felt the tears come to her eyes immediately.

"Thorne, no! I have to go! He could die!"

He grabbed the top of her arms so hard that she took a step back.

"Lower your voice, Rain."

Water spilled down the front of her cheeks and onto her nightgown. She choked on her own words, looking up at the man she loved. But she obeyed, her tone descending. 

"I have to go. You can't make me stay here. Not right now."

He tightened his grip on her arms, enough that she cried harder from the pain.

"You're not going anywhere. I just told you that."

She tried to get out of his grasp, but she couldn't. And the more she tried, the harder he pressed against her skin.

"Let me go, Thorne."

Something flashed in his eyes and he did, pushing her hard enough when he did so to make her fall on the hardwood behind her. He bent down to her level, putting his fingers under her chin to make her look up at him.

"You're not leaving me, Rain."

Her voice was gravelly, broken in pieces with her tears. But quiet, soft, almost inaudible.

"I'm not trying to. I'm trying to see my brother."

Thorne scoffed, releasing the contact on her skin.

"I said no."

He stood up straight again, walking back over to his seat. Ignoring her presence completely. All she could seem to do was stare at him from her spot on the floor. 

She had questions, but none of them would come out of her throat. She just remained there, crying.

"If you're going to cry, get out of my sight."

Rain brushed her hair out of the tears on her face, pushing herself onto her feet.

She wanted to take her phone from him. She wanted to tell someone what just happened, but she knew he would never allow that. 

So instead, she turned and left the room, shutting the office door quietly behind her.

She was his. She had to listen. She had to do what she was told.

That's just how this worked.

----------------------

Rain stood in the mirror the next day, her eyes vacant. She tried to take in what she was seeing, but it wouldn't quite register.

Bruises lined the top of both of her arms, and when she touched them, they stung.

How was she supposed to hide this at lessons? How was she supposed to explain it?

Why are you trying to hide or explain anything?

A voice in the back of her head whispered the words, but she ignored it. She didn't know. She couldn't come up with why.

She reached her hands up to her hair, tying it the way she always did. Tears slipped down her face, but the emotion that should accompany it was missing. Her chest felt empty. For one of the first times in her life, she couldn't feel the pain. The tears were coming from somewhere, but whatever was causing them was unrecognizable.

She shuffled through the leotards she wore to practice, finding one of the only ones with long sleeves. She slipped it on over her skin, wincing when it pressed against the bruises.

The sudden sound of footsteps made her jump, and Thorne appeared in the mirror behind her. He walked over to her, running his hand up the shape of her spine. His lips were at her ear, his voice soft.

"Blue suits you."

She swallowed passed the lump in her throat, trying to smile.

But failing. She could barely even get words out of her lungs.

"Thank you."

"I'll see you tonight after I get home.

I love you, Rain."

His touch left her body and he walked away, shutting the bedroom door behind him as he exited. 

Rain let out a heavy breath, one that she hadn't even noticed that she'd been holding.

She knelt to the ground to get her ballet shoes, but before she knew it ,she was on both of her knees, crying so hard her chest finally ached.

She was going to ruin her makeup, she was going to have to redo her relaxation techniques, she was going to give him away. 

That numb feeling had shattered the moment he touched her, replaced by that all too familiar pain. But now it was different. Now there was something else added into it that she knew she had never felt before.

She was scared of him now. She was scared, but she couldn't walk away from him.

If this is what love is like, I don't want it.

She looked up into the mirror in front of her and her eyes didn't even look like hers in that moment. She didn't look like herself. 

She felt like a paper doll and Thorne was playing with matches.

But what happened when he dropped one?

---------------------

Rain's muscles were sore, her head was pounding, her arms ached from the effort she'd given today. And from something else entirely, but she pushed the thought out of her mind. She glanced in the mirror, her cheeks and chest still pink from the hours she'd spent in studio.

She didn't know what was going on with Thaddeous. She didn't even know if he was okay. She hadn't been able to contact anyone, because her phone was still with her husband.

And she was trying everything she could not to think about it, but it wasn't easy.

"Rain, right?"

The girl who was speaking to her must have been talking to her for a while before Rain shook herself to reality enough to respond. She didn't recognize her, and she'd been in these lessons for months now.

"Yes. I'm sorry, but I don't know your name. I'm not sure I recognize you."

The girl smiled at her, shaking her head.

"No, no. I'm from a different class."

She held out a hand and Rain shook it, feeling a little awkward. She wasn't used to shaking anyone's hand.

"I'm Dahlia. I've heard a lot about you. Everyone says you're the best one in these classes."

Rain felt the blush hit her cheeks, her mouth opening in protest.

"I'm not, I swear. There are a lot of girls who are better than me."

Dahlia laughed, her eyes bright in the lights of the dressing room.

"Well, that's not what I have heard. Maybe you're just used to being modest."

Rain's face darkened a little and she turned back to the mirror in front of her, releasing her hair from the updo it had been in.

The girl remained standing next to her, shifting her weight awkwardly. Rain watched her face in the mirror cycle through a few expressions that seemed extremely out of place for someone who was just introducing herself.

She turned back to face her, brushing her fingers through her hair to try and flatten it before she showered.

"I'm sorry, Dahlia, but I have to shower and get home. It was nice to meet you, though. I'll see you around."

She gave her a smile, turning for the showers she had just spoken of, but Dahlia's voice broke out behind her.

"Rain, I know Thorne."

Rain froze in place, turning around to look at her.

"Everyone knows Hawthorne."

But no one calls him Thorne.

Dahlia shook her head and it was like she was fighting for words. Rain recognized the glimmer in her eyes of holding back tears more than anyone would.

"No, that's not what I meant. I know him. I dated him, when I first came here. Last year."

Panic ebbed at Rain's insides and she put a hand on her stomach as nausea picked up there.

"Okay? What does that have to do with me? We're married now, so I'm sorry if you still love him and you're upset with me. I didn't even know."

Dahlia stared at her, and the way her eyes dimmed made Rain's mouth go dry.

"I don't love him."


She walked over to Rain, and Rain just now noticed that she was shorter than her. Which was hard to do.

"And I know what he does. I know what he's capable of. You should get out while you still can."

She dropped her eyes to the ring that adorned Rain's left hand.

"I'm sorry... I have no idea what you're talking about."

Dahlia looked up at her, her eyes sad.

"Of course you don't."

Her words weren't callous, or cruel. They almost sounded like they pitied her. Rain let out a breath, stepping away from Dahlia and shaking her head abruptly.

"I don't need your advice. Thorne is a good man. Nothing has happened, and we're happy."

She turned around, opening the door to the showers and throwing a glance at the tiny raven haired girl.

"Just leave me alone, okay?"

She let the door shut behind her, blocking out Dahlia's response.

She didn't know why she was lying. She didn't know why she didn't just tell her she knew what she was talking about. That she was sorry it happened to her too.

But she didn't want to think it couldn't change. She didn't want to come to terms with the finality that sounded in Dahlia's voice when she said she didn't love him.

She never wanted that to be in her voice too.

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And I hate that I can't say your name
Without feeling like I'm part of the blame
And it's never gonna feel quite the same
But it's never gonna change