--------------
Three Months Later
"So how does it feel to know that you made it into the school of your dreams?"
Rain lifted her head off of her bed, looking at Nash, a smile firmly in place. She had finished finals, passed her eighteenth birthday, and was so close to her high school graduation she could feel it in her bones.
It was unreal. The thought that in just four months, she'd be headed to London. For two or three years. Maybe even for longer than that.
When she had went to finals, she had taken Nash with her this time. She finally had access to her trust, and was able to pay both of their ways and then some. It had been different, not going with Ryan. But she hadn't been very good at being around him much lately.
And it almost felt like he had picked up on it. Seeing as, since they'd gotten home in January, she'd barely seen him.
It just concreted the thought in her mind that their kiss had messed everything up.
And it didn't really affect her anymore. Because she didn't really think about it. But when she did...
"It feels like I don't want to leave my best friend behind for this."
She rolled over onto her stomach, poking Nash in the cheek.
"I'll miss you. And you better let me come and see you. God knows I won't know how to make it without you here. Adriana and Kelsey are terrible to handle with you here. I might end up in prison for murder with you gone."
Rain laughed and shook her head, her fingers brushing over the pillow next to her.
"No going to prison for you, Nash.
But, yes, you are going to come and see me. As much as possible. I'll miss you every single day. You're like half of me."
She sighed, pulling the pillow into her lap.
"It's terrifying knowing that I'll be in this big, fancy school in another country where I don't know anyone."
Well, she knew one person. Hawthorne. But what Ryan had said about him had put this little flicker of doubt in her stomach. She had promised him a date if she got in.
And, she had.
And she was going to go through with it. Why shouldn't she? She'd be alienated enough, and at least she would know one person there. Even if it was someone one of her friends 'didn't trust'.
"You'll be okay though, Rain. You are so good at what you do. You literally put the rest of them to shame. I saw it."
Nash reached over, putting her hand on Rain's.
"It's scary, but as we've both said a million times, it's what you were meant to do."
Rain smiled, turning her hand over and squeezing Nash's.
"It is. You're right. I'll survive."
The comment her grandfather made to her mother surfaced in her mind. That that was what her mom was good at doing. What she'd always done. It made her wonder if maybe that was something she could have inherited from her mom. Resilience.
It seemed to be, but she couldn't be sure. She hadn't been through much. Not really. Not in the scheme of things.
And it almost made her feel guilty that she didn't know what her mom had been through. Eden was definitely far from an open book, but still. Shouldn't Rain have been let in on some things?
The light of Nash's phone screen cut through Rain's inner monologue, and Nash's eyes widened. She pulled her hand from underneath Rain's and hesitated for a moment before looking up at her best friend.
She turned her phone screen around so Rain could see the message written there, and Rain's stomach dropped.
"Not again."
"So how does it feel to know that you made it into the school of your dreams?"
Rain lifted her head off of her bed, looking at Nash, a smile firmly in place. She had finished finals, passed her eighteenth birthday, and was so close to her high school graduation she could feel it in her bones.
It was unreal. The thought that in just four months, she'd be headed to London. For two or three years. Maybe even for longer than that.
When she had went to finals, she had taken Nash with her this time. She finally had access to her trust, and was able to pay both of their ways and then some. It had been different, not going with Ryan. But she hadn't been very good at being around him much lately.
And it almost felt like he had picked up on it. Seeing as, since they'd gotten home in January, she'd barely seen him.
It just concreted the thought in her mind that their kiss had messed everything up.
And it didn't really affect her anymore. Because she didn't really think about it. But when she did...
"It feels like I don't want to leave my best friend behind for this."
She rolled over onto her stomach, poking Nash in the cheek.
"I'll miss you. And you better let me come and see you. God knows I won't know how to make it without you here. Adriana and Kelsey are terrible to handle with you here. I might end up in prison for murder with you gone."
Rain laughed and shook her head, her fingers brushing over the pillow next to her.
"No going to prison for you, Nash.
But, yes, you are going to come and see me. As much as possible. I'll miss you every single day. You're like half of me."
She sighed, pulling the pillow into her lap.
"It's terrifying knowing that I'll be in this big, fancy school in another country where I don't know anyone."
Well, she knew one person. Hawthorne. But what Ryan had said about him had put this little flicker of doubt in her stomach. She had promised him a date if she got in.
And, she had.
And she was going to go through with it. Why shouldn't she? She'd be alienated enough, and at least she would know one person there. Even if it was someone one of her friends 'didn't trust'.
"You'll be okay though, Rain. You are so good at what you do. You literally put the rest of them to shame. I saw it."
Nash reached over, putting her hand on Rain's.
"It's scary, but as we've both said a million times, it's what you were meant to do."
Rain smiled, turning her hand over and squeezing Nash's.
"It is. You're right. I'll survive."
The comment her grandfather made to her mother surfaced in her mind. That that was what her mom was good at doing. What she'd always done. It made her wonder if maybe that was something she could have inherited from her mom. Resilience.
It seemed to be, but she couldn't be sure. She hadn't been through much. Not really. Not in the scheme of things.
And it almost made her feel guilty that she didn't know what her mom had been through. Eden was definitely far from an open book, but still. Shouldn't Rain have been let in on some things?
The light of Nash's phone screen cut through Rain's inner monologue, and Nash's eyes widened. She pulled her hand from underneath Rain's and hesitated for a moment before looking up at her best friend.
She turned her phone screen around so Rain could see the message written there, and Rain's stomach dropped.
"Not again."
------------------
"You look comfortable in there, maybe I should just leave you."
Storm crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at her little brother. He was safely behind steel bars and it was probably a good thing in her eyes. Rain looked at Storm and then at Thaddeous, wishing she could melt into the concrete wall behind her.
"Arrested for drugs with a 50,000 dollar bond, Thaddeous. You're lucky that I came here instead of dad to pick you up. He's furious."
He was also lucky that Carter was their grandfather, and could get Thaddeous off without any permanent consequences. Even though he probably should have some.
The bars slid open and Thaddeous was looking at both of his sisters like he wanted to punch them. The guy behind the desk fixed Thaddeous with a judgmental stare, and Rain stood in silence while everything was worked out and they released him.
They were almost to Storm's BMW in the parking lot when she unloaded on him, her voice causing a few birds that had been perched around to fly off in surprise.
"Why would you do this?! What is so bad about the life our parents gave you that you're willing to throw it all away for drugs?"
Thaddeous attempted to push past her, and get in the car, but Storm shoved him roughly away from her. Rain was taken aback by just how hard she had done it, and Thaddeous stumbled.
"No. You are going to talk about this, you asshole. You can't keep doing whatever you want and expect none of us to notice."
Rain winced at Storm's words, staring at the two of them. She backed up against the BMW, anchoring herself against the cold metal with her hands behind her.
Thaddeous's eyes were cold as he responded. He straightened up, crossing his arms over his chest, his words dripping malice.
"Storm. Shut the fuck up. For once.
Shut. The fuck. Up."
He finally moved past her, but this time, he didn't head for the BMW. Instead, he walked straight for road, following it in the opposite direction of their house.
Storm let out a groan, exasperated.
"Where the fuck are you going?!"
Thaddeous turned to face them, walking backwards.
"As if anyone actually fucking cares."
He sent a wave in their direction, spinning back to walk the way he had been going. He found the corner of the two busy streets and turned, disappearing from view.
Storm's face was bright red from anger and she faced Rain, her jaw tight.
"Let's go home, doll. Let him find his own way there."
Rain nodded once, releasing her grip on the metal of the car. She'd squeezed it so hard, her hands were sore. She stopped in front of the passenger door of the car, looking once more at the corner where Thaddeous had disappeared.
She didn't know what was going on with him, and it scared her.
Sure, Storm could be reckless, and so could Nash. But Thaddeous was taking it to an entirely different level. Rain was worried, but she knew she couldn't do anything. She was always the powerless one, after all.
"He'll be fine, Rain. Get inside. He'll come home."
The wind blew Rain's hair into her face and she sighed. She wanted her brother to reappear, to say that he wanted to go home with them, but he didn't. Maybe he just didn't feel like their home was his anymore.
She couldn't say that she did either.
She shut the door to Storm's car quietly behind her and looked over at her sister, her chest heavy.
"I hope so."
"You look comfortable in there, maybe I should just leave you."
Storm crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at her little brother. He was safely behind steel bars and it was probably a good thing in her eyes. Rain looked at Storm and then at Thaddeous, wishing she could melt into the concrete wall behind her.
"Arrested for drugs with a 50,000 dollar bond, Thaddeous. You're lucky that I came here instead of dad to pick you up. He's furious."
He was also lucky that Carter was their grandfather, and could get Thaddeous off without any permanent consequences. Even though he probably should have some.
The bars slid open and Thaddeous was looking at both of his sisters like he wanted to punch them. The guy behind the desk fixed Thaddeous with a judgmental stare, and Rain stood in silence while everything was worked out and they released him.
They were almost to Storm's BMW in the parking lot when she unloaded on him, her voice causing a few birds that had been perched around to fly off in surprise.
"Why would you do this?! What is so bad about the life our parents gave you that you're willing to throw it all away for drugs?"
Thaddeous attempted to push past her, and get in the car, but Storm shoved him roughly away from her. Rain was taken aback by just how hard she had done it, and Thaddeous stumbled.
"No. You are going to talk about this, you asshole. You can't keep doing whatever you want and expect none of us to notice."
Rain winced at Storm's words, staring at the two of them. She backed up against the BMW, anchoring herself against the cold metal with her hands behind her.
Thaddeous's eyes were cold as he responded. He straightened up, crossing his arms over his chest, his words dripping malice.
"Storm. Shut the fuck up. For once.
Shut. The fuck. Up."
He finally moved past her, but this time, he didn't head for the BMW. Instead, he walked straight for road, following it in the opposite direction of their house.
Storm let out a groan, exasperated.
"Where the fuck are you going?!"
Thaddeous turned to face them, walking backwards.
"As if anyone actually fucking cares."
He sent a wave in their direction, spinning back to walk the way he had been going. He found the corner of the two busy streets and turned, disappearing from view.
Storm's face was bright red from anger and she faced Rain, her jaw tight.
"Let's go home, doll. Let him find his own way there."
Rain nodded once, releasing her grip on the metal of the car. She'd squeezed it so hard, her hands were sore. She stopped in front of the passenger door of the car, looking once more at the corner where Thaddeous had disappeared.
She didn't know what was going on with him, and it scared her.
Sure, Storm could be reckless, and so could Nash. But Thaddeous was taking it to an entirely different level. Rain was worried, but she knew she couldn't do anything. She was always the powerless one, after all.
"He'll be fine, Rain. Get inside. He'll come home."
The wind blew Rain's hair into her face and she sighed. She wanted her brother to reappear, to say that he wanted to go home with them, but he didn't. Maybe he just didn't feel like their home was his anymore.
She couldn't say that she did either.
She shut the door to Storm's car quietly behind her and looked over at her sister, her chest heavy.
"I hope so."
----------------
"How long has it been?"
Rain looked up at Ryan, letting out an unrecognizable noise.
"Three weeks. But Storm said she's heard about him from her friends and he's fine."
Rain didn't sound very convinced. Because she wasn't. Ever since he had walked away that day, she'd been worried about her little brother. She wasn't even sure what her parents were doing about it, but she knew that they had fought.
It carried through the walls even if they didn't think that it did.
Rain pulled her phone out of her pocket for probably the eight hundredth time, but the screen was blank like it had continually been. He wasn't going to talk to her. He wasn't going to talk to any of them.
"Rain, put that down. It's not making this any easier for you. Thaddeous is going to have to learn for himself what it's really like to not have this life your parents have given him.
He'll be back. I know he will."
Rain looked up from her phone, her face colored with irritation. Her words fell through her lips and she was surprised by the anger in them.
"You don't know that. Everyone keeps saying that, but none of you actually know. So stop trying to make things better when you know it could be a lie.
I guess I'm the only one that cares if he lives or dies!"
Rain could feel her chest tip straight toward a meltdown, anxiety flaring like a burning coal.
"Rain, you know that isn't true. We all care about him being alive too."
Rain could feel the angry tears burn her eyes and she pushed away from the kitchen table, leaving her phone on the wooden table top.
She was so sick of crying. Sick of feeling anything at all. She hadn't even wanted to talk to Ryan at all, but he had shown up when he caught news of Thaddeous's disappearance. It still wasn't easy to be around him. Wasn't easy to look at him.
She was only a few steps away from the kitchen table when she heard him say her name under his breath. She whipped around to look at him, holding back her tears with everything she had.
"What. What did I do now?"
He raised an eyebrow at her, getting to his feet and pushing the chair he had been sitting in back under the table. He left his fingers wrapped around the top of it, speaking to the table instead of her.
"You didn't do anything. But it's becoming very obvious that I have. Every time you're around me, you lose your cool. I've never seen you get so upset so easily.
So my guess is that it's something I have done.
And I don't know what it is, because it happened before I kissed you.
So, maybe you could let me in on it.
Because I'm pretty confused."
Rain stiffened for a moment as his eyes finally lifted to her face. If she knew what it was, she would have told him. But she didn't. She was just as confused as he was saying that he was.
"I don't know Ryan."
She said the words quietly, finally cutting off his gaze into her eyes. His hands tightened around the chair in front of him, and he shook his head. Once.
"I think that you do."
Rain mimicked his head shake, but with vehemence. Tears were seconds from falling, and she really didn't want him to see it. Not again.
"I don't."
Ryan let go of the chair, grabbing his car keys out of the pocket of his jacket. He tilted his head, catching her stare one last time.
"Alright, well. I'll see you around. Make sure you say goodbye to me before you leave for London. Please."
Rain watched him walk over to the door, something sitting there on the tip of her tongue. She had words for him, but didn't know how to articulate them. But she knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, she had something to say.
And it was important.
But she didn't. Instead she watched him leave, waving goodbye through the window as his car left her driveway.
Rain looked up at Ryan, letting out an unrecognizable noise.
"Three weeks. But Storm said she's heard about him from her friends and he's fine."
Rain didn't sound very convinced. Because she wasn't. Ever since he had walked away that day, she'd been worried about her little brother. She wasn't even sure what her parents were doing about it, but she knew that they had fought.
It carried through the walls even if they didn't think that it did.
Rain pulled her phone out of her pocket for probably the eight hundredth time, but the screen was blank like it had continually been. He wasn't going to talk to her. He wasn't going to talk to any of them.
"Rain, put that down. It's not making this any easier for you. Thaddeous is going to have to learn for himself what it's really like to not have this life your parents have given him.
He'll be back. I know he will."
Rain looked up from her phone, her face colored with irritation. Her words fell through her lips and she was surprised by the anger in them.
"You don't know that. Everyone keeps saying that, but none of you actually know. So stop trying to make things better when you know it could be a lie.
I guess I'm the only one that cares if he lives or dies!"
Rain could feel her chest tip straight toward a meltdown, anxiety flaring like a burning coal.
"Rain, you know that isn't true. We all care about him being alive too."
Rain could feel the angry tears burn her eyes and she pushed away from the kitchen table, leaving her phone on the wooden table top.
She was so sick of crying. Sick of feeling anything at all. She hadn't even wanted to talk to Ryan at all, but he had shown up when he caught news of Thaddeous's disappearance. It still wasn't easy to be around him. Wasn't easy to look at him.
She was only a few steps away from the kitchen table when she heard him say her name under his breath. She whipped around to look at him, holding back her tears with everything she had.
"What. What did I do now?"
He raised an eyebrow at her, getting to his feet and pushing the chair he had been sitting in back under the table. He left his fingers wrapped around the top of it, speaking to the table instead of her.
"You didn't do anything. But it's becoming very obvious that I have. Every time you're around me, you lose your cool. I've never seen you get so upset so easily.
So my guess is that it's something I have done.
And I don't know what it is, because it happened before I kissed you.
So, maybe you could let me in on it.
Because I'm pretty confused."
Rain stiffened for a moment as his eyes finally lifted to her face. If she knew what it was, she would have told him. But she didn't. She was just as confused as he was saying that he was.
"I don't know Ryan."
She said the words quietly, finally cutting off his gaze into her eyes. His hands tightened around the chair in front of him, and he shook his head. Once.
"I think that you do."
Rain mimicked his head shake, but with vehemence. Tears were seconds from falling, and she really didn't want him to see it. Not again.
"I don't."
Ryan let go of the chair, grabbing his car keys out of the pocket of his jacket. He tilted his head, catching her stare one last time.
"Alright, well. I'll see you around. Make sure you say goodbye to me before you leave for London. Please."
Rain watched him walk over to the door, something sitting there on the tip of her tongue. She had words for him, but didn't know how to articulate them. But she knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, she had something to say.
And it was important.
But she didn't. Instead she watched him leave, waving goodbye through the window as his car left her driveway.
-----------------
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
And as I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
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