2-18: Count the Saints

If I close my eyes, will it come to life?
Is it something I'm dreaming of?
If a steady hand, doesn't rule my heart
Will it lead me to somewhere happy enough?

------------------

Rain knew she would pay the price for her sudden moment of clarity. And she did. She received new bruises to show for it, and a fractured wrist. After the night of her birthday, Thorne seemed to get worse and worse.

Her list of injuries, of incidents, expanded.

There were no more excuses, and she was losing sight of the man she thought she once knew. Every time it happened, she explained it away. She looked for reason where there shouldn't be any.

She became cut off from everything and everyone. 

The fractured wrist alone kept her from lessons for six entire weeks. And Thorne put a fracture in her that seemed to be unable to heal.

She had no cell phone, no real friends, and no school to escape to. She wondered how many times she could really use the excuse that she had fallen down? She did ballet. She wasn't known for being clumsy. But they all bought it.

She spun the lies into people's minds and she couldn't even come up with why. She knew the love between them was one sided. She knew if he truly loved her he would never do this to her.

And she still stayed.

Still thought he would come back to her.

Hope could be a cruel, false thing.

But it was the only thing she had.

-------------------

The sound of knocking reverberated through Rain's head. It rattled and worsened the headache that was forming there.

She was trying to sleep, but it wasn't working. 

She wanted to bury her face in the pillows and force herself to drift away, but the knocking was insistent. Someone really wanted something, and she couldn't understand why Lewis hadn't just sent them away. 

He was always at his post downstairs by the door. So something wasn't adding up.

Rain groaned, sitting up among the covers and pillows in her empty bed. Her vision spun, and she felt nausea creep into her stomach. She wasn't sure that after the night before, she didn't have a concussion. The side of her face throbbed with every beat of her heart as she got to her feet, swaying.

Her face in the mirror showed the result of no sleep and the man she called her husband.

A bruise had formed along the line of one of her eyebrows, but at least she didn't have a completely blackened eye. Bruises could be explained, that, could not. She pulled her hair out of the haphazard bun that it was in, letting it fall into her face. It mostly covered the bruise, but anyone who paid enough attention would know.

Whoever it was, better have a good reason for being there.

Each step down the staircase made her head worse, and the shadow on the other side of the door was tall, looming. If she had the energy, she would probably be anxious. But she didn't. She was exhausted. From crying. From caring.

From trying everything she could to keep herself and her ice covered marriage together.

She entered the code to the door into the keypad next to it and pulled the knob open, the figure in front of her coming into focus slowly. Her mouth dropped open and she took a step back, instantly.

"You... You can't be here."

Ryan stood in the doorway, confusion quickly replacing what Rain thought she had recognized as worry.

"Well... That's not exactly the hello I was expecting."

His eyes surveyed her face, falling down the length of her body. She didn't know how much he could see, and in this moment she didn't care. The only thing she could think about was Thorne finding out he'd been there at all.

"Ryan, you have to leave. You can't be here."

Ryan looked behind him, taking a step inside. He shut the door and turned to face her, his eyes darkening. 

"I haven't seen you in four months, Rain. You don't answer calls, or texts. Not just from me.

From anyone.

Everyone back in California is losing their minds."

He took a couple of steps towards her, looking her over again. When he reached toward her, Rain flinched in response.



"Don't touch me."

Ryan froze, his fingers inches from her face.

"What?"

Rain sucked in a breath, crossing her arms over her chest. She tried to force the panic out of her voice, but it shook anyway. Apparently, she still had it in her to panic about something. And it would be something like this.

"Please don't touch me, Ryan."

Rain didn't wait for his response, turning for the kitchen behind them. She couldn't handle the headache anymore. She could barely walk, let alone think. She heard his footsteps behind her as she searched in the cabinet for Tylenol. She dumped some in her hand and swallowed them dry, backing up against the counter behind her.

Ryan was watching her, and she could tell by the way he was doing it that it was very carefully. Even his words, when they sounded, were careful.

"Rain..."

She looked up at him, her vision blurring out at the edges momentarily.

"Rain, I'm going to touch you. But just for a second. And then I won't do it again.

Okay?"

Hesitation flowed through her, but she knew his hands were safe. They always had been. It wasn't a good idea, by any means, and she had just told him not to. But right now, she was too defeated to say it again. 

Rain nodded and swallowed past the lump in her throat. When he approached her, she had to use every ounce of control she possessed not to flinch as his hand moved toward her face. He brushed the hair covering her cheek to the side, revealing the bruise there.

"Did he do this to you?"

She couldn't look at his eyes. Couldn't stomach seeing what could be there. She didn't want to lie to Ryan, but she knew she had to.

"No."

Ryan dropped his hand to his side, a sigh filling the emptiness in the room.

"Is this why you're not talking to anyone, Rain? Is he hurting you? 

If something is going on, you can tell me. I'll get you out of here. I'll protect you.."

Rain shook her head vehemently, her eyes lifting to his face.

"I'm okay, Ryan. Everything's okay. I'm just clumsy. That's all."

She forced herself to smile at him, to nod, to try to convince him. But her chest was aching just from seeing his face again. She hadn't been sure she ever would.

His response was deadpan.

"You've never been clumsy."

The sound of a car door echoed from outside and panic instantly filled Rain's veins. She reached out and grabbed Ryan's hand, pulling him towards the back door.

"You have to go. Now."

She opened the door and attempted to push him through it, but he was a brick wall.

"Ryan, you have to go! He can't see you here!"

Ryan stared at her, finally relenting to her soft pushes, stopping right before the door could fully shut.

"Just... Okay. I'm going. But promise me I can see you again."

Rain could hear the sound of footsteps on the concrete and her panic grew, tears stinging at her eyes. Her whispers were hurried, loud.

"Ryan! Just go!"

"No. I'm not leaving until you say that you'll meet me.

Tomorrow night."

Rain looked over her shoulder, heard the sound of the front door closing, her heart beating out of her chest.

"Whatever you want, okay. Just go."

"Promise me. Right here. Tomorrow."

Rain choked on her split second hesitation. She gave a response though, still fighting back tears, and she knew that she meant it.

"I promise."

Ryan nodded once, and the door slid shut behind him. He disappeared so fast, it was almost as if he'd never been there at all. 

But the ache in her chest that followed the moment he was gone, told her he most definitely had.

---------------------

The door shut quietly behind Rain, but she couldn't calm the pounding in her chest. She was ninety percent convinced that Hawthorne would wake up at any moment and catch her. And she didn't want to know what would happen if he did. Her head wasn't pounding nearly as much.

But she wasn't sure if it was because she was healing, or because she was drowning in a constant flow of Tylenol.

She had no idea where she was even supposed to meet Ryan at. He hadn't specified a time the night before when she'd rushed him out of her back door.

 Even in April, it was cold outside. London wasn't known for being warm often.

It almost made her miss California. Almost, but not quite.

Rain fell from the sky in sheets, and Rain shivered in the cold that came with it. She should have brought a jacket, but she hadn't thought to. She didn't even want to be outside in the middle of the night. Let alone in the rain.

"Hey."

Rain jumped, turning to face the voice that had spoken.

"Ryan! Don't do that. That vampire coming out of the shadows stuff is only okay in the movies."

The laugh that left his lips was familiar. One that she hadn't even realized that she had missed.

"Sorry. Can't help it. Clearly it's just in my genetic make up. Like hating garlic, drinking blood, and sleeping in coffins."

Rain let out a breath, shaking her head.

"You're not funny. I don't want to think about that."

His head tilted and he looked amused. Like somehow the situation that they were in right now could be funny.

"Why not? It's who I am. A vampire. And that stuff is pretty true you know."

He put his hands in his pockets and grinned at her, rocking back on his heels.

"Okay, maybe not the sleeping in coffins part. We can amend that. But I do hate garlic.

It won't kill me, but it is disgusting."

Rain felt the laugh leave her chest before she even really heard it. It took a second for her to register that she'd done it. It was foreign to her. She hadn't laughed in weeks. Or even smiled. She put her hand on her chest, her heart rate calmer than it was but still somehow elevated.

She spoke without thinking, the words leaving her mouth in a rush.

 "I missed you, Ryan."

The seriousness in her voice was evident. So much so, Ryan's small smile faded in response, and his tone echoed hers.

"I missed you too, Rain."

He rocked back on his heels, and if it was possible, he seemed even taller than before. Rain let out a breath, looking up toward the windows of the second floor. Her bedroom was across the building, but it still didn't seem like a good idea to be right out there in the open. She didn't want to know what would happen if she got caught, but Thorne usually slept like a rock.

Probably because the amount of cognac he drank could knock out three men at once.

It took a moment to realize that Ryan was holding his hand out to her. She studied it for a moment, looking up at his lavender eyes which were only visible because of the moonlight.

She took in a deep breath and put her hand in his, their skin wet from the rain. 

"It's okay. You're safe with me."

He curled his fingers around hers and smiled that familiar smile, pulling her through her backyard toward the gate that led to the alley behind her house. It was suddenly a lot less cold, and a lot less scary. Even if her hair was starting to stick to her face.

The gate shut behind them loudly, but Rain couldn't find the strength to worry about it. They walked down the alley hand in hand for a while, in silence. She didn't know where they were going, but she knew wherever it was, she would be safe. Just like he said.

Probably the safest she had been since moving to London.

He led her to a building down the street, and it looked like it had been abandoned for a while. Broken down. But when Ryan pushed the door open with his heel, it was warm inside. A slew of candles flickered from the mantle of an old fireplace, and wood crackled and burned inside. There were more candles around the room than she could count, and she wondered how he'd even found them all.

He released her hand and she blinked at their surroundings, shivering as her body adjusted to the difference from outside. 

"I found this place last night, while I was thinking about stuff. Don't ask me why I decided to stay here instead of going back to my hotel, but I did. This place is old, and it had a lot of secrets. And mice.

Lovely place to spend my birthday, right?"

Rain stared at him for a moment, folding her hands in front of her.

"Why?"

He looked over at her, his hair falling in his face from the heaviness of the water in it.

"I didn't want to be too far from you. In case something happened."

He walked over to her, but didn't touch her again. And for a moment, she wished that he would. 

Because there was warmth in it. Light. The ice that covered her seemed to thaw under his hands. All she could do was stare up at him, her heart beat steady in her chest.

"Ryan, I love you."

As soon as the words left her lips, she stiffened. Surprise coursed through her, and her hands began to shake when she dropped them to her sides. His stare was wide-eyed, but she could read it.

She could see it. That feeling she longed to see in Thorne's. All at once, it occurred to her, that that was the only place she had ever seen it. That it must have been what she'd longed for when Thorne looked at her. That the familiar look she wanted had never come from him at all.

It had been Ryan's.

It happened in an instant, his touch on her waist, his lips against hers. The familiarity of his taste settled into her system and she relaxed into it, her hand on his arm.

Her breathing was unsteady, caught on each exhale when he pulled away, his forehead resting against hers.

"Say it again."


Tears slipped down her cheeks and when she drew in a breath, his words came with it.

"I love you."

He nodded, pulling her against his chest. Her body shuddered with the tears that fell, but he didn't let her go. Just pressed her slight form into his, running his fingertips down the length of her spine.

"You don't have to cry, Rain. I love you too. 

I have for so long, I forgot what it felt like before I did."

She remembered the time he had said it before. In the pool back in California. But this time felt different. Like it carried a finality. But, despite his words, she couldn't stop crying. She weakened with it, using his steady hold as an anchor.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I'm sorry I married Thorne. Everyone tried to tell me it was a mistake, but I didn't listen. I'm so sorry."

She choked on her confession, listening to the rain on the roof of the old house. He didn't have a heartbeat, but she wondered if he had if it would be racing like her own. 

With the magnitude of the situation, with the uncertainty. 

He lifted her chin so she could look up at him, shaking his head.

"Don't apologize to me. You followed your heart. Something I probably should have done a long time ago.

But I missed my chance."

He brushed the tears off of her cheeks, touching his lips there.

"As long as you're happy with him, that's all I've ever really wanted. I told you that before."

Rain fought to tell him the words that she wanted to give him. That she wasn't happy. That Thorne was tearing her apart. But she couldn't seem to make them come out. She couldn't tell him, because then she would be admitting it.

And she wasn't ready to admit she had failed at her marriage too.

So she nodded. She nodded like he was right. Like she was happy, and this, right now, was a mistake.

But it wasn't. What was a mistake was going back to that house.

But she knew that was what she would do.

She knew that she would pretend like this wasn't what it was.

Security. Something that could truly make her happy.

Ryan sighed, releasing his hold on her. He stepped away and ran his fingers through her rain dampened hair.

"I'll always be here, Rain. Just not exactly in the way I would have liked to have been. But that's something I have to live with."

Rain reached up and touched his hand as it left her hair, her chest aching with how empty it felt at his words.

"Don't fool yourself. I have to live with this too."

Ryan looked like he wanted to question her statement, but he didn't. He just glanced at the door behind him and sighed.

"I guess I should get you back before he wakes up, yeah?"

Rain steadied, looking at the fire burning.

"Maybe. But not yet. Can I stay for a while?"

He nodded once, and she let out a breath. He was keeping his distance now, and she wasn't sure if that made her happy, or disappointed.

She was married. This was foolish, but she didn't feel like a fool.

She could deal with this in time. But right now, she just wanted to spend time with Ryan. Because she knew he had to leave, and when he did, it would be different.

It would be something it wasn't before.

Definite.

For the first time, it would be unequivocal that she loved someone else. Someone else that she wasn't allowed to see, that she shouldn't.

Someone that was proof she made the wrong choice.

And she could never erase that.

----------------

And the hope's are holding my careful heart
And they don't get out alive
And I gave myself to a lonely smile
Who couldn't keep his promises