You could never live out in the open
Regretting every word you've spoken
When you break it's too late for you to fall apart
And the blame that you claim is all your own fault
Regretting every word you've spoken
When you break it's too late for you to fall apart
And the blame that you claim is all your own fault
-------------
Eden looked in the mirror. Once, close your eyes, open. Twice. Again.
It only worked half of the time. She'd open her eyes and see him behind her. In the mirror. She'd close her eyes, open them and he'd be gone. Sometimes. Sometimes he followed her into school, through her classes, always in the corner of her eye.
Alec had transferred to a different college 'for personal reasons'.
Max didn't get his big showdown, and he was probably wondering exactly why Eden was avoiding him. She kind of figured all of her friends were wondering that. The only person she'd been forced into contact with, was Xavier. He was in her biology class and her psychology class. She thought about dropping them, so everyone could be avoided, but that seemed a little extensive.
He'd catch her eye, she'd look away, she'd look back and he was still staring. The same look on his face every time. It almost screamed 'are you okay'.
He'd tried to get her attention in the hallway the first few days, but she'd ducked him. Taking the long way around to her next classes.
But tomorrow... Was a masquerade. On Campus. And she'd promised Kiara she'd go. She couldn't back out. Not without a legitimate reason. She couldn't tell her what happened. She couldn't tell anyone. She'd keep it under lock and key indefinitely. She had to relive it in her head, why would she want to relive it and see it in the eyes of someone else?
Plus, it was her own fault, right?
Plus, it was her own fault, right?
She closed the door of her apartment bedroom, taking the stairs down to the bakery, exiting the back way. She'd done that every day since that night. It seemed the only way she didn't run into Kiara.
As she turned the corner onto the street that led to the college, a hand reached out and grabbed her arm. Her scream was probably loud enough to shatter glass. Xavier released her quickly, taking three steps backward.
"Whoa. I didn't mean to scare you."
Eden scowled, her heart racing in her chest so fast it ached.
"Don't flatter yourself."
She turned away from him, walking back along the sidewalk towards the school. He was taking stalker to a new level now. She heard his footsteps behind her, catching up quickly with his much longer strides. He didn't say anything for a while, just walking silently. But eventually, he broke the quiet facade.
"Are you okay?"
She'd been waiting for that question. Since the first time they had their little staring war.
"I'm fine."
Rehearsed in the mirror for so long, so many times, but she still didn't quite believe it. He looked like he felt exactly the same way.
"You don't look fine."
They reached the steps to the school and she took them two at a time, half surprised that he still kept pace with her.
"Well, I am fine."
She snapped, her voice cool. They reached the glass double doors and he opened it for her. She rushed inside, trying to put distance between them, but he wasn't allowing it. She stopped abruptly and he almost crashed into her, stepping to the side at the last second.
"Why are you following me?"
"We have the same class?"
She sighed, completely forgetting it was Wednesday, and he was right.
"Why were you on my street?"
His face was expressionless, but something was in his eyes.
"I live in the building next door. Eden... What's wrong?"
She shook her head, turning away and walking to her class. She entered the door and walked to the back of the room, dropping into a seat. Much to her chagrin, he sat right next to her.
"Talk to me."
She pulled the stuff she needed, one by one, out of her bag, her eyes locked on the board at the front of the room. She wasn't going to talk to him. She wasn't going to talk to anyone. What was his problem?
"You can't stay silent forever. I don't know what it is, but it's gonna have to come out."
He directed his eyes the way hers had been, muttering the words. She finally fixed his face with a look of her own, misdirecting her anxiety, her roller coaster internal monologue.
"Why do you always do that? You say these things that leave me with so many fucking questions but you never give me any answers. Does it make you feel better about yourself to mess with my head?"
Her voice cracked and she tore her eyes away from his face when he looked at her. He didn't even bother replying, he just stared at her again. Like he always seemed to be doing. They spent the rest of the class in silence, Xavier letting her walk away by herself this time when class let out.
But when she looked back at him, he was still in his seat. Staring at the notebook in front of him.
--------------
-Do you want to go with me to this thing tonight?-
Eden stared down at her phone. There was one person at this college who knew her who she didn't know their number. Man, this guy was fucking persistent.
-First of all, I don't know how you got my number, but I don't want you to have it.
And second of all, no.-
She stuffed her phone in her pocket, stupidly assuming that would be all she'd have to say and he'd back off. Her phone resounded with vibration again and she groaned, pulling it out and looking at the text.
-Well. You know if you don't go with me, I'm just going to find you at some point anyway.-
-It's a masquerade. Good luck with that, stalker.-
-You underestimate me, I could pick you out in a crowd easily. This is no different.-
-This stuff never stops getting creepy.-
-Just say yes.-
-No.-
-I'll pay for your alcohol.-
-.....Fine.-
-Alright. See you in a few hours, then.-
Eden sighed, chastising herself for saying yes in the first place. She looked over at her dress, hanging on the wall. She'd spent a fortune on it when her and Kiara went shopping for this thing. When she was still excited about going, about being seen. She'd skipped prom in high school, so this was the next best thing, right?
She walked over to her closet, running her fingers over the fabric. The more she thought about it, the less she wanted to wear it. No matter how much it cost. Her and Kiara had been talking about this night since they first heard about it. During the first week of classes.
Now Eden wasn't sure she knew how to express any desire to do this at all.
She didn't want to be elegant, she didn't want to be pretty. She didn't want to be 'formal'. She just...
Eden took the dress by the hanger, throwing it into the bottom of her closet. She searched through the racks of clothes hanging up side by side until she came across what she was looking for. She turned and held it up to her body in the mirror next to her closet.
This'll work.
She walked over to her closet, running her fingers over the fabric. The more she thought about it, the less she wanted to wear it. No matter how much it cost. Her and Kiara had been talking about this night since they first heard about it. During the first week of classes.
Now Eden wasn't sure she knew how to express any desire to do this at all.
She didn't want to be elegant, she didn't want to be pretty. She didn't want to be 'formal'. She just...
Eden took the dress by the hanger, throwing it into the bottom of her closet. She searched through the racks of clothes hanging up side by side until she came across what she was looking for. She turned and held it up to her body in the mirror next to her closet.
This'll work.
--------------
"....You're wearing that?"
Not the first thing she was expecting to hear from Xavier the moment she let him inside, but it was definitely on the list. She looked down at her outfit of sorts and sent him a smile, adjusting the top of it.
"Yeah, I thought it fit me more than something fancy."
He pulled at the knot of his tie, raising an eyebrow.
"Well... I can't disagree with that, but this whole email invitation thing said 'formal' so I assumed..."
She reached out and he recoiled slightly before straightening back up. She undid the knot of his tie and pulled it out of his shirt, tossing it on the couch. She made sure not to make contact with him. Not letting her fingers even brush against the fabric of his shirt.
"Now we match enough. We're both wearing jeans anyway... Stop complaining. You're lucky I'm even going to this thing."
She pointed to her face and the lace mask that sat there.
"And I also have this thing, which, by the way, you do not. So don't complain."
He shrugged a shoulder and stuffed his hands in his back pockets, glancing around her living room.
"I wasn't going to cover my face. No one gives a crap if I'm hidden or not."
She nodded, pulling her heels on.
"Exactly. So, let the fact that I'm dressed like a skank and not wearing a fancy dress go, and let's leave. Good?"
He honestly looked like he wanted to protest, but turned for the door instead. Eden wasn't sure where Kiara was, but she hadn't ran into her yet. She hadn't even seen Sophie, who in her inherent shyness, still found a way to express to Eden how 'incredibly excited' she was about tonight while she was trying to make her way to the shower this morning.
As her heels clicked down the steps to the driveway, Eden scoffed at the fact that Xavier's perfect blue Porsche sat waiting.
"You brought your car across the state? How?"
He clicked the unlock button on his key chain and looked over at her, opening the door for her when she reached it.
"My dad has drivers. Does that really surprise you?"
Eden rolled her eyes, but slid inside.
It didn't. Rich kids are all the same in some ways after all. Xavier was obviously just another of them. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw someone standing in the trees next to her house and her stomach catapulted. She did a double take, and of course no one was there. Just another one of her mirages. If that's what they were.
His image followed her everywhere, and every time, it left her sick and spinning. She squeezed her eyes shut as Xavier shut the drivers side door and turned on the ignition. When she finally opened them, he was staring at her.
He was always staring at her.
"Drive."
----------
Eden hadn't gotten intoxicated much since she left Bridgeport. Probably less than five times. She had spent so much of her time there drinking, going to parties. But with her school schedule and everything that had been going on... She didn't seem to be able to find time to be as stupid, as careless.
She decided tonight was a perfect opportunity to make up for it. To drink away what Alec had done. To become accustomed to comfortable numbness again. Because she was sick of being a jumpy wreck lately.
"Shouldn't you slow down? Not only are you underage, you're already pretty drunk, Eden."
She glared at Xavier over the top of her glass, her vision slightly blurry.
"That's what the fake ID is for. And as for me being drunk, I'm not."
She completely was. Maybe not as much as she could be, but that's what she was trying to fix.
"....Right."
His voice was disbelieving, but she brushed it off. She hadn't seen anyone that she knew, and for that she was completely thankful. She missed her best friend desperately, but she didn't know how to face her right now. She could predict Kiara's bright blue eyes seeing right through her.
She tipped the glass up, draining what was left in the bottom of it. Xavier watched her with tired eyes, finally sighing softly.
"Are you going to talk to me at all?"
At that, she turned to face him.
"What... About.. what?"
She said the words slowly, the pieces falling into place as she did. She knew exactly what he was talking about. His 'are you okay' spiel again. What fun this would be. He seemed lost in his head for a second, not saying anything. Like he was searching for exactly the way he should word it.
"You aren't acting like you."
She exhaled, setting the glass down on a table and turning away. Towards the exit of the garden. The heavy footsteps behind her, told her he was following.
"Just leave me alone, Xavier. Please?"
She took in a breath, blowing it out slowly. The footsteps didn't cease. They never did with this guy.
"I'm not letting you leave this party drunk, first of all."
He caught up to her, and he reached towards her, but she sidestepped him.
"Please. Don't touch me."
He dropped his hand to his side and she crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for him to speak. To fill the silence between them with something. When it was clear he wasn't going to, she scoffed and looked back towards the party, not wanting her eyes anywhere near his.
"There's nothing wrong with me. I promise. Can you just take me home?"
"You keep saying that, but it's obvious that there is. You never say please about anything. You have this sudden aversion to being touched. You can't look in the mirror for very long, and you keep closing your eyes and counting to yourself.
You're alone all the time, and you can't focus on your schoolwork. You're actually apologizing for things.
How can you keep saying that there's nothing wrong with you?"
As he finished speaking, Eden noticed she had been staring at him the entire time. She tightened her arms across her chest, trying to formulate a response. The only thing that seemed to come to her mind were questions.
And this guy was pretty much the epitome of not having any answers.
"How do you even know any of that? How do you even notice anything like that about me?"
"I pay attention to you."
His response was deadpan, like he didn't even have to think twice about it.
"Because you're my stalker."
She was being sarcastic, but he shook his head in agitation.
"No. For fuck's sake, Eden."
She was taken aback by the profanity. He never cussed, ever. She had been kidding, but the way he said it didn't sound like he'd taken offense. She wanted to ask why, at least part of her did, but she thought better of it.
"I just want to go home, Xav."
He pulled the car keys out of the pocket of his jeans and sighed. His eyes wandered to the street, watching a few cars pass by. She wanted to take them out of his hands and drive herself home, but she refrained.
"If keeping whatever this is to yourself is getting you through it, I guess I can't make you talk to me."
He looked back at her face.
"Come on. I'll take you back to your apartment."
He took the cement steps down to the street and Eden watched him, fighting again with those stupid things in her head. The emotions, the words, this new found pain.
"I'm not used to feeling things. Especially hurting. I need you to understand that."
She called the words out to his back, her voice shaking in the night air. He stopped, but didn't turn around, and Eden couldn't seem to move at all.
"I'm not used to being afraid, or sad, or anything at all."
I'm not used to being anything at all.
He turned back to look at her, his face blank. Contained. Always so contained.
"You are the most enigmatic girl I have ever met, Eden Simon."
She didn't understand the response. What it had to do with absolutely anything she had just said. She was difficult to understand? What did that have to do with not being able to feel and then being altered into feeling way too much?
"Come here. Let's go."
It took her a second, but she finally got her legs to cooperate with her brain, following him to his car.
"Unless you have somewhere you actually need to be, I have another idea."
-------------
"....You're wearing that?"
Not the first thing she was expecting to hear from Xavier the moment she let him inside, but it was definitely on the list. She looked down at her outfit of sorts and sent him a smile, adjusting the top of it.
"Yeah, I thought it fit me more than something fancy."
He pulled at the knot of his tie, raising an eyebrow.
"Well... I can't disagree with that, but this whole email invitation thing said 'formal' so I assumed..."
She reached out and he recoiled slightly before straightening back up. She undid the knot of his tie and pulled it out of his shirt, tossing it on the couch. She made sure not to make contact with him. Not letting her fingers even brush against the fabric of his shirt.
"Now we match enough. We're both wearing jeans anyway... Stop complaining. You're lucky I'm even going to this thing."
She pointed to her face and the lace mask that sat there.
"And I also have this thing, which, by the way, you do not. So don't complain."
He shrugged a shoulder and stuffed his hands in his back pockets, glancing around her living room.
"I wasn't going to cover my face. No one gives a crap if I'm hidden or not."
She nodded, pulling her heels on.
"Exactly. So, let the fact that I'm dressed like a skank and not wearing a fancy dress go, and let's leave. Good?"
He honestly looked like he wanted to protest, but turned for the door instead. Eden wasn't sure where Kiara was, but she hadn't ran into her yet. She hadn't even seen Sophie, who in her inherent shyness, still found a way to express to Eden how 'incredibly excited' she was about tonight while she was trying to make her way to the shower this morning.
As her heels clicked down the steps to the driveway, Eden scoffed at the fact that Xavier's perfect blue Porsche sat waiting.
"You brought your car across the state? How?"
He clicked the unlock button on his key chain and looked over at her, opening the door for her when she reached it.
"My dad has drivers. Does that really surprise you?"
Eden rolled her eyes, but slid inside.
It didn't. Rich kids are all the same in some ways after all. Xavier was obviously just another of them. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw someone standing in the trees next to her house and her stomach catapulted. She did a double take, and of course no one was there. Just another one of her mirages. If that's what they were.
His image followed her everywhere, and every time, it left her sick and spinning. She squeezed her eyes shut as Xavier shut the drivers side door and turned on the ignition. When she finally opened them, he was staring at her.
He was always staring at her.
"Drive."
----------
Eden hadn't gotten intoxicated much since she left Bridgeport. Probably less than five times. She had spent so much of her time there drinking, going to parties. But with her school schedule and everything that had been going on... She didn't seem to be able to find time to be as stupid, as careless.
She decided tonight was a perfect opportunity to make up for it. To drink away what Alec had done. To become accustomed to comfortable numbness again. Because she was sick of being a jumpy wreck lately.
"Shouldn't you slow down? Not only are you underage, you're already pretty drunk, Eden."
She glared at Xavier over the top of her glass, her vision slightly blurry.
"That's what the fake ID is for. And as for me being drunk, I'm not."
She completely was. Maybe not as much as she could be, but that's what she was trying to fix.
"....Right."
His voice was disbelieving, but she brushed it off. She hadn't seen anyone that she knew, and for that she was completely thankful. She missed her best friend desperately, but she didn't know how to face her right now. She could predict Kiara's bright blue eyes seeing right through her.
She tipped the glass up, draining what was left in the bottom of it. Xavier watched her with tired eyes, finally sighing softly.
"Are you going to talk to me at all?"
At that, she turned to face him.
"What... About.. what?"
She said the words slowly, the pieces falling into place as she did. She knew exactly what he was talking about. His 'are you okay' spiel again. What fun this would be. He seemed lost in his head for a second, not saying anything. Like he was searching for exactly the way he should word it.
"You aren't acting like you."
She exhaled, setting the glass down on a table and turning away. Towards the exit of the garden. The heavy footsteps behind her, told her he was following.
"Just leave me alone, Xavier. Please?"
She took in a breath, blowing it out slowly. The footsteps didn't cease. They never did with this guy.
"I'm not letting you leave this party drunk, first of all."
He caught up to her, and he reached towards her, but she sidestepped him.
"Please. Don't touch me."
He dropped his hand to his side and she crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for him to speak. To fill the silence between them with something. When it was clear he wasn't going to, she scoffed and looked back towards the party, not wanting her eyes anywhere near his.
"There's nothing wrong with me. I promise. Can you just take me home?"
"You keep saying that, but it's obvious that there is. You never say please about anything. You have this sudden aversion to being touched. You can't look in the mirror for very long, and you keep closing your eyes and counting to yourself.
You're alone all the time, and you can't focus on your schoolwork. You're actually apologizing for things.
How can you keep saying that there's nothing wrong with you?"
As he finished speaking, Eden noticed she had been staring at him the entire time. She tightened her arms across her chest, trying to formulate a response. The only thing that seemed to come to her mind were questions.
And this guy was pretty much the epitome of not having any answers.
"How do you even know any of that? How do you even notice anything like that about me?"
"I pay attention to you."
His response was deadpan, like he didn't even have to think twice about it.
"Because you're my stalker."
She was being sarcastic, but he shook his head in agitation.
"No. For fuck's sake, Eden."
She was taken aback by the profanity. He never cussed, ever. She had been kidding, but the way he said it didn't sound like he'd taken offense. She wanted to ask why, at least part of her did, but she thought better of it.
"I just want to go home, Xav."
He pulled the car keys out of the pocket of his jeans and sighed. His eyes wandered to the street, watching a few cars pass by. She wanted to take them out of his hands and drive herself home, but she refrained.
"If keeping whatever this is to yourself is getting you through it, I guess I can't make you talk to me."
He looked back at her face.
"Come on. I'll take you back to your apartment."
He took the cement steps down to the street and Eden watched him, fighting again with those stupid things in her head. The emotions, the words, this new found pain.
"I'm not used to feeling things. Especially hurting. I need you to understand that."
She called the words out to his back, her voice shaking in the night air. He stopped, but didn't turn around, and Eden couldn't seem to move at all.
"I'm not used to being afraid, or sad, or anything at all."
I'm not used to being anything at all.
He turned back to look at her, his face blank. Contained. Always so contained.
"You are the most enigmatic girl I have ever met, Eden Simon."
She didn't understand the response. What it had to do with absolutely anything she had just said. She was difficult to understand? What did that have to do with not being able to feel and then being altered into feeling way too much?
"Come here. Let's go."
It took her a second, but she finally got her legs to cooperate with her brain, following him to his car.
"Unless you have somewhere you actually need to be, I have another idea."
-------------
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