3-27: When We Were Younger

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"Hey."

  Icarus leaned against the wall of the abandoned house Apollo had found himself in less than an hour after he'd stepped foot back in Riverview. He hadn't been up to facing his dad yet. He hadn't been up to the chance of seeing his twin sister. Not yet.

Why was it that everything he touched he seemed to ruin? Was it just in his blood?

Apollo took one earbud out, climbing out of the concrete pool. He left his skateboard at the bottom. It was better there than in his hands. He'd have to resist smashing his brother's face in with it.

He crossed his arms over his chest, his father's eyes on his own face meeting with the eyes of his mother on his brother's.

"I'm not here to fight. I'm not here to be a dick.

I'm here to tell you something."

Apollo scoffed, taking the other earbud out and shoving them in his pocket.

"I'm not interested in anything that you have to say, Icarus. You've said more than enough."

Icarus' eyes lit up and he smiled. 

"Oh, I think you'll want to hear this."

Against his better judgment, Apollo let out a breath, nodding.

"Fine. Talk."

Icarus pushed off of the wall, sitting on the edge of the concrete pool when he reached it. He looked up at Apollo expectantly, and with another sigh, Apollo sat next to him.

"When you told me not to come to any more of your shows, I decided that I wasn't going to listen. You know, just to see what would happen. Because that's what I've always been good at. Pushing your buttons. Seeing just how much shit I can cause between us before you snap on me.

And this last time, you didn't let me down."

He pushed Apollo's shoulder lightly, but Apollo didn't soften. The tension and restraint was clear enough to Icarus that he continued speaking with less expectation.

"I came to Phoenix, yeah, I know, don't look at me like that. I told you I wasn't going to listen."

Apollo directed his glare away from Icarus and back on the sky.

"Anyway... I came to Phoenix. I pulled into the hotel around the same time your bus did. And I heard the gunshot. I could smell the blood from my car across the parking lot.

And I knew it wasn't yours. But I didn't know whose it was.

So I stuck around. I listened to the paramedics and the police, and I could hear everything.

They didn't believe you. They were convinced that it wasn't an accident.

And I knew damn well, no matter how much you hated anyone, especially being one of the ones at the top of your list, you'd never do something like that.

So I followed the police to the hospital.

And I changed their minds."

Apollo couldn't keep the surprise out of his eyes. He stared at his brother like he'd never seen him before.

"You used your ability on those cops?"

Icarus shrugged, and this time, it was his eyes on the sky.

"It's never been good for anything. I always used it for shitty things. Like getting a girl to give me her number. Making the cashier think they forgot to give me my change.

I'm petty. I'm selfish. We've both known that all our lives.

What good is the power of persuasion if all you get are empty girls and empty promises because you coaxed them into it?

And besides, after what I said to you about dad, I felt like I owed you one."

Apollo continued to stare at Icarus.

"Are you expecting me to hug you and pretend like we're gonna be best friends now?

No offense, thanks for that, but I still don't fucking like you."

Icarus shrugged a shoulder, dusting himself off as he found his feet.

"I know."

Apollo hesitated, but he stayed firmly seated on the concrete.

"You kept me out of prison."

"I did."

"You hate me."

"I do. But you're still my brother. I, unfortunately, also love you. And I know you're not a killer."

Icarus' final word prodded the embers of anger that always burned in Apollo's chest

"I killed him.

I just didn't mean to."

Icarus turned back to the abandoned building.

"I know. But, for the record, I am sorry we can't ever be friends. Or act like siblings should.

You and Artemis, you aren't like Rhea and I. We have the same blood, but we'll never have your hearts. There's good in you, Apollo.

I didn't inherit that."

He watched Apollo pull a small bottle of scotch out of his pocket, right before going through the back door of the house. His brother had never done anything remotely close to what he'd done in Phoenix for anyone. Especially Apollo. The liquor burned his throat as he spoke quietly enough his brother couldn't hear him.

"Maybe you're wrong about that."

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"This suit itches. I don't want to wear it. I don't even want to be here.

Vega would find this whole thing pretentious and stupid and depressing. He'd be asking why we weren't getting drunk in his memory."

Hale put his fingers in the loop of the tie around his neck and pulled it loose, tossing it onto the floor of the church.

"And he definitely wouldn't care if I wore a fucking tie."

Variance made a noise under her breath, her arms snaking around his waist.

"I know. I know all of that.

And he'd want Churro to be here."

Hale absentmindedly brushed his fingertips down the length of her spine.

"I won't tell anyone if you go and get her and sneak her in in your purse."

Variance looked up at him, glancing around. She pulled her purse in front of her and Hale caught the sound of a very soft meow.

"You're kidding."

Variance shook her head.

"I felt like she should be here."

Hale couldn't help the small smile that touched his lips.

"You're so cute that sometimes I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with you."

He lowered his head towards her, but seconds before their skin could touch, Apollo came through the front doors of the church. Hale stepped away from Variance like he'd been electrocuted.

Apollo's eyes went from Variance, to Hale, to the steadily filling church pews.

"Is anyone else here?"

Hale knew he wasn't asking about anyone but Harpia. He pointed toward the front row of seats at an unmistakable head of sandy brown hair.

"She's right there. Your mom is sitting next to her. Her entire family is here."

Apollo walked toward where Hale had pointed, stopping just after where his cousin still stood, her usually bright eyes emptied.

"As you were, Variance."

He reached out and tugged on the end of a strand of her hair, gesturing at Hale. When he turned back for the pews, Variance stared after him. But it didn't last long. She pressed herself into Hale's chest, looking down the aisle at the coffin with her cheek against his shirt.

"I love you."

She whispered the words, tears heavy on her cheeks again. Hale brushed them away with his fingertips, pulling her tighter against him.

"I know. I always knew. I love you too."

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Apollo sat at the end of the front row of the church, right next to the aisle. Something about it felt like the right decision. He wanted distance between himself and Nash, who had been seated on Rain's other side. Nash had sworn profusely that she didn't blame Apollo.

But that didn't stop Apollo from blaming himself. Nothing anyone said did.

"You know, when I heard you crying on the phone, I had no idea this was why. You could have told me."

Harpia's whisper brought Apollo's head up from the way he'd had it bent. It was mostly for show. He wasn't praying along with everyone else when the preacher had asked for it. He didn't know how to pray to something he wasn't even sure existed. Apparently, Harpia felt the same.

Apollo's eyes traced the dark circles beneath her eyes, and the way her cheeks were sunken in more than they'd ever been. The seat next to Apollo had purposefully been left empty. He hadn't wanted to be near anyone. So when Harpia took the seat, he inhaled sharply.

"You know that this wasn't your fault, right?"

"That's what everyone keeps saying. But I dropped the fucking gun."

The words were bitter on his tongue. Harpia was still looking at him when the preacher finished the prayer and everyone was allowed to once again look up. The moment he looked at her, she dropped her eyes, turning her body toward the pulpit.

But he knew she wasn't paying any attention. No more than he was.

"Vega would have hated this."

"You're damn right he would have."

"I don't want to be here anymore."

"You're in luck. Neither do I."

Apollo took her hand in his, getting to his feet. He kept his eyes on the exit and she kept her hand where it was until they were outside, the bright California July sun high in the sky. The door slammed behind them loud enough it could have been a car backfiring.

"You shouldn't have done that. You should have stayed in there."

Harpia might have been attempting to sound like she believed her words, but Apollo knew better. His voice was harsh, rising with every word out of his mouth.

"Why? So I can remember Vega in a way that he'd never want to be remembered?"

He shrugged out of his suit jacket, tossing it over the side of the steps up to the church.

"Why are you yelling at me? I didn-"

He cut her off, running his hands roughly through his hair.

"Everyone is telling me that it isn't my fault. They keep saying it was a freak accident, I would have never done it by choice."

He pulled his tie off and tossed that over the side of the steps too, whirling to face Harpia. His eyes flashed with the anger in his words.

"They tell me no one could have known there weren't blanks in that gun. No one could have predicted the gun would misfire.

'Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault. It was just an accident.' That's what they say. Over and over.

You look like you're killing yourself, and I haven't even been here to help. So whatever the fuck you're doing to yourself now isn't my fault either, right?"

He took the concrete steps down to the street, turning in the direction of his house. He glanced back up at her, shaking his head. His voice rose to a shout, and a few people across the street turned to stare at the two of them.

"I just killed my best friend. Vega's dead. He's not coming back. I'm the one who did that."

"But you didn't do it on purpo-"

"So? What the fuck does that change?

Look at Blake and Hale. They can't even look at me without seeing what happened.

Hale isn't even talking to me. And I'm actually pretty convinced he's fucking my cousin. And that's sure as fuck the last thing she needs right now.

She's a mess, and what am I? I feel nothing.

People are so worried that I'll blame myself, but they don't get it. I'm not doing that. They're wasted words.

I don't feel guilty. I don't feel a goddamn thing.

I don't feel remorse. The minute I got on that plane to Riverview I bottomed out. I feel empty.

Are you telling me that's normal?"

Harpia stared at him in disbelief. Apollo's voice had become slightly hoarse by his final word, and she looked sympathetic. Which just served to piss him off more.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm not upset."

"Really? Because you're shouting. And I've never heard you talk like this. I-"

Apollo scoffed and started down the sidewalk, Harpia's footsteps close behind him.

"Apollo, where are you going?"

Harpia's voice rose, and he could tell that what he was doing was destroying what little trust that he wouldn't leave her he'd managed to repair.

"I'm getting drunk. Well, more drunk. 

As for where, anywhere but here."

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned around so quickly to face her, she took a step back. She blinked up at him, reaching for his face. He pushed her hand away with a shaking one of his own.

"Just don't fucking touch me. Not right now. I'm not going to hit you, but I'm trying not to hit anything at all."

She closed the distance he had put between them, brushing a hair out of her eyes.

"Fine. I won't.

On one condition."

He raised an eyebrow.

"And what would that be?"

"Okay, I guess it's two.

One, you stop yelling at me.

And two... If you're going anywhere but here, you take me with you this time."

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When I was younger, I only dreamed
That when I got older, you'd be proud of me
When I was younger, I promised you both
That when I was older, you'd be proud of me