2-31: Smother

(For those of you who check my blog, you're getting this a couple of days early. All my love.

And farewell to generation two ;-;)

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One. Two. Three.

Again and again.

Count, breathe, count.

Rain looked at her reflection in the mirror. The way her now fully sapphire eyes sparkled because she wasn't a human anymore. Her skin had always been pale but now it glimmered. Pain rocketed through her chest and she closed her eyes again.

One. Two. Three.

Hadn't her mom told her it helped her? It eased the pain.

But it wasn't working. Nothing was working. 

Rain turned back to the toilet and hit her knees, trying to expel something from the depths of her body. To force the pain out of her veins.

But she heaved and the emptiness that remained had nothing to do with vomiting.

Her heart didn't beat anymore, but it still hurt. Her chest ached even if her pulse couldn't echo it. She sat up and she cried. Empty, useless tears that couldn't bring her back.

Ryan chose Rain. He chose to save Rain, and the result of his choice was laying in a coffin somewhere inside that church she was supposed to be in today.

She slammed the lid of the toilet shut and crawled across to the bathtub, turning the faucet on. She put her mouth under the running water, but it tasted terrible.

She only had a taste for one thing now. Because she had been given this gift.

To save her life. She watched with empty eyes as the tub started to fill, her chest filling again along with it.

She didn't even think twice about it. She crawled into the depths of the water and sat there until the water reached the rim, spilling over onto the floor. Her clothes were heavy against her skin, but it wasn't nearly as heavy as the inside of her body.

She ducked her head under the water, and the scream she let out was as useless as the tears that kept coming.

Eden was gone. Her mom was dead, and she was alive. Sort of.

Ryan had made his choice, and Rain had to live with it for eternity.

Hands gripped her arms, pulling her above the surface of the water. She blinked through the water in her eyes, her gaze meeting the sorrow in her husband's.

"What are you doing?"

Rain pulled his grip off of her and reached over, turning the handle off.

"Drowning."

Ryan let out a sigh, staring at her. He knew she didn't mean that literally. Because that was impossible. He knew exactly what she meant.

"Rain..."

She ran her hands over her face, pulling them away to see black mascara on her fingers.

"What?"

Ryan grabbed a towel from the rack next to the bathtub and handed it to her.

"You need to get out. Go get dressed. The funeral is in an hour."

His words were quiet, almost a whisper.

She grabbed the towel from his hands and stood up, water dripping from her clothes.

She took a step out, sitting down on the mat in front of the tub. She wrapped the towel around her shoulders and stared straight ahead.

She was fighting every urge she had to become catatonic again. To just block out the world and go back to feeling nothing.

She'd done it before.

But now was not like before. Now she had children. A husband. She couldn't be nothing because everything in her life needed her to be something.

She looked up at Ryan, her voice broken.

"I need her."

Ryan sat down next to Rain, using the corner of the towel to clean the mascara off of her face.

"I'm sorry, Rain. I'm so fucking sorry."

Rain dropped her eyes back to the wall in front of her, fighting the urge to try and vomit again. She shrugged out of the towel and tossed it aside, her words biting.

"Sorry won't bring her back."

Ryan's response came slowly, minutes after Rain had spoken.

"You're right.

But sorry is all I have."

He got to his feet and walked over to the door, the sound of their families gathered downstairs leaking through when he opened it.

"I love you, Rain."

She didn't respond. Just stared straight ahead still as it fell closed.

She had to get up, had to get herself together. Had to go to this funeral.

She had to go say goodbye.

Death was never fair. It took without apology, and without regret.

But she wished it had taken her too.

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"Where is Rain?"

Storm lifted herself to look over the top of her pew, her eyes on the entrance to the church. Discord followed her gaze, shrugging a shoulder.

"How am I supposed to know? Ryan probably knows. Ask him."

Storm slumped down in her seat, letting out a shaky breath.

"She's probably still upset over this guy. She probably thinks he's gonna come back for her. And what if he does?"

Discord let out a harsh laugh, and several heads turned to glare at him after he did. He directed his gaze from them and onto Storm, his face serious.

"That motherfucker didn't even get to see the sunrise, Storm."

She snapped her gaze onto his, raising an eyebrow.

"What does that mean?"

Discord dragged his hand across his neck in a cutting motion, like he was slitting someone's throat. Storm didn't know how to react, so she just stared. For a long time.

And then she leaned over, pressing her lips to Discord's for a fraction of a second.

When she pulled away, he blinked at her, stunned.

"Thank you."

She whispered the words, her attention on the closed coffin at the head of the church. But she caught his mumbled reply.

"You're welcome."

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Ryan paced the back hallway of the church, waiting for his wife. She had insisted on taking her own car, instead of riding with him. And he was worried she wouldn't show up at all. He didn't know what to expect from her. This was eating him alive, so he couldn't imagine what she was going through.

The doors to the room Eden's coffin was resting in opened and the last face he wanted to see exited through them.

Xavier.

He hadn't spoken to him. Not one word. He wasn't speaking to anyone. It was extremely reminiscent of his daughter when Thorne died.

He just walked around like he was dead inside. And he probably was.

Ryan wanted to open the doors and go outside. Into the dreary air, away from the pain in Xavier's eyes. Because he blamed himself for the death of his wife. 

He didn't shoot her. But he couldn't save her either.

"I kind of wish it wasn't raining."

Ryan looked over at Xavier, surprised at his words. He was talking about the weather?

He spoke carefully, hesitant.

"Why is that?"

Xavier shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants, his eyes on the ground.

"Because it reminds me of the first time I kissed her."

Ryan didn't know what to do with that information. He didn't know what to do with the broken sound of Xavier's voice. 

"I just want you to know that I tried to save her. I'm sor-"

Xavier cut him off with a deep sigh. When he spoke again, his eyes cut through Ryan, right to the core.

"Don't apologize to me about this. I would have made the same choice if I was you."

Ryan stared at Xavier.

"You... what?"

Xavier looked passed Ryan, out the windows of the church at the falling rain. His eyes were somewhere else. Somewhere far away.

"If that had been Eden and her mother, I would have went to Eden first. I would have saved her. Because I fucking love her. With everything I have."

The front doors of the church opened, and Rain came through them, soaked to the bone from the rain. She was crying and it was obvious by the way she collapsed into Ryan's arms the minute she saw him.

Xavier let out a breath, turning back around and opening the door for the two of them.

"And that's exactly how you love my little girl.

I can't blame you for that."

Rain looked up at her dad, clearly confused. But he didn't offer an explanation. He just held the door open and watched the two of them find a seat with a weak smile on his face.

He let the door shut and stared at it for a moment. It took a long time for him to make any movement at all. But when he finally did, he opened the doors to the church, stepping out and into the rain.

He sat down on the concrete steps and pulled a small lighter out of his pocket, bringing the flame to light.

The rain put it out in seconds and he sighed, lighting it one more time.

"I miss you, Eden."

He squeezed his eyes shut, the rain dripping down his face. He felt crazy. He felt empty.

Talking to her out loud like she was still around.

"And here I am, talking to myself, instead of in there while everyone is talking about you. And I know if you were here, you'd be making fun of me for it.

Telling me to stop being so mopey.

But I miss you.

So much."

He lit the lighter one last time, touching the tip of the flame with his fingers.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you.

But I'll figure it out.

In time."

He sat the lighter on the stairs, staring at it for a few seconds.

And then he got to his feet, going through the church doors and into the room where her body lay. To see her one last time.

But that wasn't really her. Not anymore.

She was somewhere else. Somewhere better. And it hurt like hell, but he'd be better eventually. 

They all would.

After all, didn't people always say that they'd see the ones who died, again? 

Someday.

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I should go now quietly
For my bones have found a place
to lie down and sleep
Where all my layers can become reeds
All my limbs can become trees
All my children can become me
What a mess I leave
To follow