2-25: Clean

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"You seem better."

Eden said the words so hesitantly, Rain looked at her in surprise. Ryan brushed his fingers down the length of her spine, as if to encourage her to respond.

"I am better."

She was unaware of how many weeks had passed, but she knew Storm was due anytime. And that she was naming her baby some random name that made no sense to her. Variance Synn. Where did she even come up with something like that?

It didn't even make sense.

She knew her mother seemed to have more light in her eyes, and Rain was capable of speaking to people who weren't Ryan. It had all kind of slowly fallen back together the way it had fallen apart.

There were still obvious rifts, and she still had an emptiness inside that hadn't completely disappeared... But for the most part she felt... Clean. Whole.

Ryan's hand made contact with her hip and she smiled up at him, putting her hand over his. Her mother didn't seem to know exactly how to react to the two of them. Something about every member of the Hunter family besides two finding their way into their lives.

Maybe the two families had just been meant to coincide.

It definitely seemed that way.

And the way Ryan looked at her made her feel like the two of them could never deviate.

Somehow, he had broken apart the fog she had been in. Made most of it dissipate as if the ice had never touched her in the first place.

But it had. She had scars in her heart that would never really go away. She carried the weight of Hawthorne, of the baby. But with Ryan, the bruises felt healed. The scars, faded.

"The two of you are so cute, it makes me sick."

Storm's annoyed voice carried into the room before she did, her heavily pregnant stomach showing underneath her shirt. She dropped onto the couch, an apparent scowl on her lips.

Rain felt Ryan's laugh more than heard it, carrying through his body and into hers from the connection.

"I can't wait for you to have that baby so you can be nice again."

Rain looked at her mom, a smile crossing her features.

"Storm was nice?"

Storm glared at both of them, reaching for the remote to the TV. 

"I'm not going to be nice after I have the baby, just cause you want me to be. 

Because I'm an asshole."

Eden smirked, looking back at Rain and Ryan before sitting on the couch next to her oldest daughter.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. It didn't matter if I was pregnant or not, I was always an asshole.

And you're just like me."

Rain used to get really upset when her mother and sister talked like that. It used to be a reminder that she was nothing like them. But it didn't really get to her like that anymore. It was just another reality she'd come to terms with. She wasn't like them. But she had realized that she didn't have to be.

She was who she was. And she had things that made her different than the rest of them. Things that none of the others could begin to understand.

But who she was, was enough.

"You ready to go?"

Rain looked up at Ryan, her thoughts receding in the wake of his gaze.

"I am."

He walked over to the door, opening it for her. As she passed through it, she heard her mom's voice quietly say something to her sister. Eden must have thought she was being quiet enough for Rain not to hear, but she wasn't. She heard every word.

"Sometimes, I think Ryan is Rain's savior."

The door shut behind them and Ryan didn't acknowledge what Eden had said, but she knew he must have heard it. She followed him to his car, glancing back at the door as she got inside.

Sometimes, mom, I think you're right.

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Ryan was fidgeting so much, it felt as if he had somehow absorbed Rain's anxious nature. She reached out for his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. The smile she gave him was real, but insecure. Because something in Ryan's eyes was off. And she couldn't understand it, but she knew she didn't like it at all.

"Is everything okay, Ryan? Did I do something? 

You asked me to come with you out here. We don't have to stay. We can go back."

Ryan shook his head roughly, pulling her into his chest by the grip she had on his hand.

"No, I'm okay. I swear. You didn't do anything wrong, Rain. Not ever."

The sound of the water on the other side of the park was loud, but not enough that she didn't hear his whispers. And usually, they reassured her. But right now, it wasn't quite working.

"I feel like something's wrong, Ryan. You're acting weird, and I don't know if it's because you're sick of me or like maybe you're breaking up with me or-"

Ryan cut her off with a laugh, his eyes brightening in seconds.

"You're so worried that I'm leaving you. Constantly. You ask me almost every day, like someday my answer will change."

He took her hand in his, raising it to his lips.

"I'm never leaving you, Rain."

Rain tilted her head, staring at him with soft eyes.

"Even if that's true, someday I will leave you. I'm human. I will die, and you will have immortality. It's not possible for us to be together forever."

The serious tone of her voice seemed to dampen the atmosphere around them, and she regretted her words instantly. She wasn't lying, but now definitely didn't seem like the time Ryan wanted to hear her say those words.

"That's not entirely true... It is possible. If I made you like me."

Her shoulders stiffened as he spoke, and so did his hold on her.

"But I'm not going to do that."

She couldn't tell if he was trying to reassure her, or himself. Rain had never really even considered the idea of being a vampire herself. The whole thing seemed ludicrous. Eternal life? She wasn't sure that was something she could ever want.

Ryan's voice was docile, his words on the skin of her cheek.

"And even when you..."

He paused. As if he couldn't say the word. Like it wasn't a normal part of life.

But, for Ryan, it wasn't.

"I'll still never leave you. I don't want anything else."

Rain took a deep breath, nodding once as she looked up at him. She wasn't sure she completely believed that. Ryan had immortality. Rain's days were numbered. How could he possibly be so convinced that he wouldn't come across something better after she was gone?

"Well, now that this night has become exceedingly more depressing than I planned on, it almost seems like I should choose a different time."

Ryan's voice was a mixture of disappointment and hesitance. Rain looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.

"A different time for what? I didn't mean to ruin anything. I just talk without thinking sometimes."

She rushed ahead with her words, trying to fix the obvious discontent in Ryan.

"You didn't ruin anything, that's not how I meant that. I promise, Rain."

He reached out, brushing her cheek with his thumb. The silence grew between them for so long, Rain started to get uneasy all over again. Ryan kept staring at her, and she couldn't help but stare back. Waiting for him to say something. Anything.

"I talked to your dad this morning."

Well. That hadn't been what she had wanted him to say.

"Oh?"

He nodded, and Rain hadn't noticed that he had stopped fidgeting. Until now. He seemed calm. Like something inside him had changed in those moments that he had been staring at her.

"Yeah, I had a question for him. I was actually really afraid he wouldn't like it, and that I might get punched."

Ryan laughed, breaking the hold he had on her waist.

"I even called him 'sir' and I don't know if that helped my case, but it might have."

Rain was confused. Mostly because she had no idea why Ryan would be telling her that he talked to her dad. Last that she knew, they were friends. And friends talked. Her dad hadn't handled the initial thought of Ryan and Rain very well, but he'd grown used to it. Ryan had no reason to think her dad would hit him.

Unless she was missing something.

"Okay, so what did you ask him?"

Ryan put his hand in his pocket, glancing out at the water that had stilled to almost complete silence.

"I asked him if he could ever trust anyone else with his daughter after everything that had happened to you."

Sudden awareness settled in Rain's chest. 

Ryan had went to her dad to ask if he could propose.

She hadn't even been a widow for a year. Wasn't it too soon? Could she ever really put herself in that situation again? She felt sick to her stomach. Getting married was the worst decision she had ever made in her life. Could she really make that decision again?

Ryan wasn't Hawthorne. Ryan was different. Ryan actually loved her. Rain fought to stifle her thoughts, bring herself back into the moment that she was in right now. Her voice was hushed, contained. A far cry from the war raging in her mind.

"What did he say?"

"That if I hurt you, he'll find a way to kill me."

Rain couldn't help the laugh that left her chest. And as it tapered, so did her anxiety. It could have been the laugh, but it also could have been the way Ryan was looking at her as he put one knee on the concrete underneath them.

"Trust me, I believe him. But I also believe that I could never do that.

When I look at you, all I want is to make you happy. For as long as you'll let me."

He pulled a box out of his pocket, pushing the top open and looking up at her.

"Will you marry me, Rain?"

She had no idea why an answer seemed so hard to find. She wanted to, she did. But she was scared. Of so many things. Getting hurt, or even worse, hurting him. What if it all ended horribly?

What if she messed this up like she had everything else in her life?

Her throat constricted, and even as she tried to speak, she couldn't. 

All she wanted to do was give an answer, and instead, she started crying.

"Ryan, I-"

Her pocket started buzzing, the vibration making her jump. She tried to ignore it, but as soon as the vibrating stopped, it began again. Not even once, four times.

I don't think it's possible that someone could have called at a worse time in my life.

Her eyes were apologetic as she pulled it out, answering her mother's call with a temperate voice.

"Why do you keep calling, mom? I'm in the middle of something."

She couldn't even look at Ryan, didn't want to see whatever was going on on his face. Or to see if he stood.

"Storm is having her baby. Like, right now. You need to be here."

Rain finally looked at Ryan, and as she did, he stood. He nodded at her once, indicating that he had heard her mother's words.

She issued a reply, that she would be there soon, something new slipping into her veins. 

A feeling she recognized, but never thought she would feel again. Not from Ryan.

Disappointment.

She followed Ryan to his car, sitting quietly in the passenger's seat on the way to the hospital. When they reached the front doors, Ryan didn't make an attempt to exit.

She pushed her door open, leaning down to look at him when she was outside of it.

"Ryan... I'm sorry."

He stared straight ahead, his voice sober as he responded.

"I'm not mad at you, Rain. Go be with your sister. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Rain shut the door and stepped away from the car, watching it fade away into the depths of the parking lot.

What was she supposed to do?

She hadn't told him no.

But she hadn't said yes either.

And... What if she couldn't?

What happened then?

She'd lost most of everything that had meant anything to her.

She couldn't lose Ryan too.

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Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
Ten months older, I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it