3-32: Speechless

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The rain came down in sheets as Apollo climbed down the steps of the plane. He looked up at the California sky, the stars blurred out from the light pollution that seemingly took over the entire bottom half of the state.

It was cold rain, but he didn't feel it. There were people pushing past him, but he didn't see them. His thoughts were everywhere and nowhere at once. The word tomorrow bounced around in his head like a gunshot.

His hair was sticking to his face as he shoved open the door to the airport. People were staring, and a couple of them took pictures. But for once, he had no anger for a response. He tracked water along the carpet all the way through to the glass front doors that led outside.

He had started down the sidewalk before he heard the voice of one of his security guards catching up with him.

"Apollo! You need to let me take you home."

He glanced at him for a moment, turning back for the sidewalk.

"The fuck I do."

"This storm is bad. One of the worst this year. Let me-"

The guard grabbed his arm, and Apollo turned quickly, his fist connecting with the side of his face before he thought twice of it. His knuckles stung, cut open from the punch. He wiped the blood off on his jeans, staring at the man who'd been with him the entire tour. Kept paparazzi off of his back, and watched the crowds at his concerts.

But he couldn't come up with a hint of remorse. He was back to where he'd been with Vega. Feeling nothing.

Because, now, he had nothing. 

Music. But what did that amount to now?

His music needed her. And there was no her anymore.

The realization pooled in his stomach, and he turned back to the sidewalk.

Black anger colored the edges of his vision, blotting out everything else.

His feet carried him all the way to the front steps of the O'Conner house, and he sat down hard on the concrete. Rain fell so heavily, the street was rendered invisible.

He wanted to cry. He wanted something. Feeling. Anything other than the fury that took him down to his core. 

He wasn't even sure what he was angry at.

Besides himself.

I should have told her. I should have-

"Apollo?"

Sparrow's voice cut through his inner monologue, and he managed to pull his eyes away from the blinding rain and onto Harpia's mother. She took a tentative step out of the house toward him, her voice soft and her eyes rimmed with red.

"What are you doing out here? It's two in the morning."

Apollo dropped his head into his hands, his words coming out in a rush.

"I'm fucking sorry, Sparrow. For hurting her.

If I could take it back, I would.

And I'm sorry that she's gone. I'm sorry that I lost her."

Sparrow looked at him in confusion, walking out and sitting on the concrete steps at his side.

"What are you talking about?

You didn't lose her... She was telling me about seeing you last night this morning. And how happy she was. And how things were going to be okay.

I'm sure she's still going to feel the same when she wakes up, Apollo. She loves you."

Sparrow had been rubbing Apollo's shoulder with her hand, like she was comforting a child. He reached up, grabbing her hand with his, his eyes blank.

"When she wakes up?"

Sparrow's confused expression grew even more so.

"Yes...? She's in the hospital, not dead.

She was technically dead for around five minutes, but the paramedics were able to restart her heart. She's in the ICU."

Apollo dropped Sparrow's hand, instantly getting to his feet. He started down the steps, but stopped at the sound of her voice.

"They won't let you in. She's in a coma. And it's the middle of the night.

Why don't you come inside and get some sleep and we'll both go in the morning?"

Sparrow started crying, her voice cracking as she spoke. Apollo shoved his hands in his pockets, but continued to walk in the direction of the hospital.

"They'll let me in. I know someone who can make sure of that."

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"This is stupid. She isn't going to magically wake up because you're in there. And I have better things I could be doing right now."

Apollo glared at Icarus out of the corner of his eye.

"Like what? Flying too close to the sun?"

Icarus rolled his eyes, staring down the hallway at the nurses who were at the station for the ICU.

"That wasn't funny when I was a kid, and it still isn't funny now.

Shouldn't you be crying about your girlfriend and not making jokes about my name? She might never wake up, you know."

Apollo resisted punching him in the throat.

"Can you just do what I asked you to do?

She's going to wake up. I know she is."

Icarus sighed, smoothing his hair down as he walked toward the nurses station next to his brother. He leaned against the counter with both hands, cracking a smile at the pretty blonde nurse in pink scrubs left at the station.

"Hey there. Could you possibly do me a favor and let me and my brother in to see my friend?

Her name is Harpia O'Conner and I've been terribly worried about her. We'll be out in an hour or so."

He reached out with a hand, pressing his fingertips against the skin of hers.

Her eyes went glossy and she returned his smile, standing up.

"Of course! Right this way."

She began to walk down the hall and Apollo hung back, shaking his head.

"Why'd you get to be the one who could do something like that?

And then there's me. Crushing shit like the Hulk."

Icarus clapped his shoulder, starting back the way they had come.

"Make it as quick as you can, dude. She's the only one I was able to touch and if anyone else sees you in there, you're fucked.

I gotta get going.

And you... Good luck."

The corner of Icarus' lips lifted in the slightest hint of a smile and he disappeared around the corner toward the exit. Apollo froze outside the door to Harpia's room, tracing his fingertips over the 4 written on the door.

"Now... she probably won't be able to hear you-"

Apollo nodded, stepping through and shutting the door of the room in the nurse's face before she could say anything else.

Harpia looked tiny on the hospital bed. An IV was in the top of her hand, and what little of her face that wasn't obscured by the tube coming out of her throat was black and blue. He pulled the chair that was next to her bed as close as he could get to her and dropped into it.

His hand found hers, and her skin was cold. He didn't know if she was supposed to be cold. He didn't know what he was supposed to say, or how he was supposed to act.

He was alone in a hospital room with a Harpia who was more broken than any of the others he'd known. He leaned over her, brushing a stray hair that had fallen into her face, out of it.

"When you told me you'd see me today, I didn't think it would be like this."

He was surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded. Clearing his throat only brought a semblance of clarity to it when he spoke again.

"They told me that you can't hear me. But I don't believe that.

They also told me you might not wake up, and I don't believe that either."

He ran a hand through his hair, looking at the heart monitor she was hooked up to. The jumping green line was ominous in a way. As if it represented the thin line she was on between this world and the next. He looked back at her, putting her hand in both of his.

"You're going to wake up. I know that as much as I know everything else I've come to realize.

I've figured out so much shit I haven't gotten to tell you.

You don't get to die on me before you hear it."

Apollo scoffed, looking at the heart monitor again.

"Maybe you can't hear me. But I'm going to tell you everything anyway.

I've realized that when you laugh, you sound like your mother. And when you cry, you sound like her too."

Apollo shook his head, rubbing the back of her hand with his fingertips.

"And it killed me every time you cried. Even when I was pissed off. It was like you stuck an ice pick in my chest. I'd have done anything to make you stop crying.

And right now, I'd do anything just to see you cry."

He stopped, clearing his throat. The numbness he'd felt since Onyx had called him was ebbing into something else. Something he had never felt before.

"Anyway...

I've also realized that you leave people so they can't leave you. You were the first girl out of all those kids, and your parents love you, but you were the one that took the back burner to everyone else's problems.

Dean left you while you were still together, and then he punished you for noticing that.

Amos left you...

And I fucking left you too.

I see it now. I see that you are terrified of being alone.

Everyone leaves you and I'm fucking sorry that I was one of them.

But I promise you, Harpia. When you wake up, when you make it through this, I'll never leave you again.

I'll stay with you as long as I exist."

He got to his feet, and the only reason he realized he was crying was because of the wetness that spotted her blanket as he leaned to kiss her forehead.

"You're in every song I write and every show I play.

I'd know the entirety of your body with my eyes closed, and the color of your eyes is burned so deeply in my mind that I could never forget it even if I tried.

You're my purpose in this life.

I've known it for a long time, I just couldn't give you the words straight to your face. But you'd find it in my songs. 

I did."

He brushed the back of his hand along her cheek, taking a deep breath. He saw all those memories from the night before as he spoke, his chest aching with the possibility of what could be. And for what had been.

"I'm in love with you, Harpia. I think I always have been."

He reached for her hand again, squeezing it with both of his. As he walked over to the door, he pressed his thumbs to the corners of his eyes to make sure the wetness had dissipated. He slid the door open when he reached it, and paused to look back at her broken frame one more time.

"I'll never stop. 

I promise."

And as he walked out the door, he couldn't be sure, but he swore he saw that green line jump the moment he'd said those words.

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For a moment
I'm a poet without words
Speechless because you love me at my worst
I don't deserve this
I let it surface
And all I know is today I woke up falling in love again

3-31: No One Does It Better

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"What are you still doing out here? Aren't you ready to go home?"

Variance sat down next to Apollo on the edge of the empty arena's stage. He glanced up at her, pulling a beer out of the cooler next to him and handing it to her. They were both silent as she opened it, leaning her head against her cousin's shoulder.

"I'm just taking it in."

He paused, drinking the beer even though it had long grown warm.

"It was unreal. This entire thing. And tonight... I've never seen a crowd like that."

Variance swung her feet in the air like she was a kid again, smiling at him as she lifted her head.

"It was definitely something else. You guys are amazing, and it's sad that this tour is over. But there will be others."

She brought her camera out from beside her, snapping a picture of the emptiness in front of them. She leaned back against Apollo, holding the camera out and taking a picture of the two of them. The flash popped in Apollo's eyes and he grimaced, pushing her shoulder playfully.

"You know I hate that. Now I can't see what I was trying to revel in, so thanks."

She laughed, the sound echoing as she put her camera safely in her lap, pulling the beer bottle to her lips. When the bottle was half gone, she looked at Apollo until he met her eyes, speaking softly.

"I have a question for you, Apollo."

"Well, that sounds serious. What's up?"

Variance was quiet for longer than Apollo wanted her to be, her eyes drifting away from his and back onto the ground that was littered with the evidence of thousands of people.

"You're not mad at me, right? Or Hale?"

Apollo let out the breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, dropping the empty beer bottle Variance had finished back into the cooler.

"Nah. I'm not. I'm glad you two are happy. He's better than some asshole I don't know. He's my best friend. He'll take care of you."

"He will, yeah."

She turned to face him, pulling her legs up and her knees against her chest. She wrapped her arms around them, her brown eyes serious.

"It's your turn now, you know that, right?"

Apollo nodded, running his fingers over the red toy car in his pocket. He felt like a child, carrying it around. But he couldn't seem to help it.

"It is. And I'm gonna do it right this time. I'm not going to leave her again.

At least, not like that. Not like she's afraid of."

He pulled the car out of his pocket, pushing it on the surface of the stage toward Variance. She picked it up, holding it in the lights coming from overhead.

"I remember this car. You wouldn't let me touch it when I was little. You were a total asshole.

I remember being pissed at you because you let Harpia have it."

She let out a laugh as he took it from her grip.

"You have a hell of a memory."

She watched him touch the tiny tires of the car with bright eyes.

"And you have a hell of a soft spot for memories."

He shoved the car back into his pocket.

"Sometimes that's all you have left.

I kept leaving, and she did too. And then she wrote me this letter, and it was like everything made sense. Everything everyone had always been saying seemed to finally be true.

The stories I wrote to give to these crowds, I found her in most of them.

I don't know how someone can write their soul for everyone to see, and not realize that that's what they're doing. But I was."

Variance looked at him curiously.

"You sound so in love with her, Apollo. I've never heard that tone in your voice. Or seen that look in your eyes. Besides when you sing that song you won't sing on stage."

Apollo laughed, his fingers finding and tugging on the ends of his hair.

"Yeah. Turns out that song is about her too."

She smiled.

"I know. We all knew. I'm glad you finally do too.

Are you going to sing it now?"

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, something spilling into his chest.

"It's a little too late for that now. The tour's over."

Variance shook her head, her smile widening into a grin.

"It's never too late. You think you would have learned that by now, all things considered."

Apollo's face grew incredulous and he gestured around him.

"Actually, stage is broken down, arena is empty, no one is here. Pretty sure all of those things add up to the definition of 'too late'."

Variance pulled her camera in front of her, switching the setting to video. She directed it at him, staring into the screen.

"Blake!"

Apollo felt the slight edge of panic in his chest as she called Blake's name, shaking his head vehemently.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Blake poked his head out from the side of the curtain that separated the stage from the back, his face clearly annoyed.

"I was about to ask that... Why are you yelling at me?"

Variance pointed at Apollo, and then at the guitar cases piled by the door that hadn't been taken to the crew bus.

"You know how to play acoustically right?

Apollo has something he needs to do."

Blake raised an eyebrow at Apollo, walking through the curtain.

"What, exactly, does he have to do?"

"He's gonna play the song, on this stage, like he's never done. And I'm gonna record it, and post it online for the world to see."

Blake's eyes traveled to Apollo.

"You sure about this, man?"

Apollo took another beer out, shaking his head.

"No. But she is. So I guess I'm doing it."

Blake hesitated for a second before sighing and walking to grab the only somewhat acoustic-y guitar any of them had brought.

"Alright. If we're doing this, you better make it count. I busted my ass for this song. It's about time people hear you actually sing it."

He hopped off of the side of the stage to stand next to Apollo, counting to three. The moment the number left his lips, he began to play.


And Apollo sang.

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"It doesn't count."

"It was on a stage, it completely counts."

"There wasn't even an audience."

"And what am I? Invisible?"

Hale looked at Apollo and laughed, losing the argument with Variance rather than have her beat him into the ground with persistence.

"So how was it?"

"It felt like relief, actually."

Hale was about to say something else, but Apollo held up a finger to cut him off, reaching into his pocket and taking out his vibrating cell phone.

"Hold on a second, I don't know this number."

He took the steps out of the bus, pulling the phone to his ear the second he hit pavement. A familiar voice came out of the other end before he could even speak.

"Apollo, this is Casey."

"What's u-"

"Harpia crashed her car."

Apollo's mouth went dry. The sound of Casey's voice was throwing Apollo for a loop. He paused for just a second, trying to gauge the emotion he was hearing from the other end.

"Is she-"

"No. She's not okay."

Apollo glanced up at the bus. Hale was leaning out of the door of it, confusion in his eyes. Apollo shook his head, just once, trying to keep the heavy feeling that was deepening in his chest out of his words.

"We were just about to head back to the house here in Hollywood. I'll-"

"You're not understanding me. She's dead. I tried to stop her. I tried to come get her. I tried to save her, but I couldn't. And now she's fucking dead, Apollo.

When the paramedics got to the scene, her heart had already stopped."

Apollo froze mid-pace, his eyes locked on the metal of the tour bus, but not seeing it.

Memories took over his vision. Memories that everyone says you see when you're about to die, the ones of your life flashing by. Only, it wasn't his life. Just his life with her.

In the back of the tour bus with moonlight on her skin and 'I'll see you tomorrow' promised as she left.

In Hollywood, cleaning up glass from a broken alcohol bottle, with 'I love you' spilling out of her lips. And 'why can't you say you love me too'.

On the Fourth of July, with fireworks shining in the green of her eyes.

Sixteen, leaving hand in hand with the first boy she'd looked at that wasn't him.

Twelve, with her lips pressed against his because she wanted to know what it felt like, and he 'should be the first'. 

Eight years old, pushing a red toy car along the curve of Apollo's knee.

He barely registered the glass of the phone crushing in his grip.

He dropped the shattered device to the ground and walked back into the bus, ignoring Hale's questions. He leaned over to the driver and only said one word.

"Airport."

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If I just save you, you could save me too
If I just save you, then you could save me too