3-32: Speechless

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The rain came down in sheets as Apollo climbed down the steps of the plane. He looked up at the California sky, the stars blurred out from the light pollution that seemingly took over the entire bottom half of the state.

It was cold rain, but he didn't feel it. There were people pushing past him, but he didn't see them. His thoughts were everywhere and nowhere at once. The word tomorrow bounced around in his head like a gunshot.

His hair was sticking to his face as he shoved open the door to the airport. People were staring, and a couple of them took pictures. But for once, he had no anger for a response. He tracked water along the carpet all the way through to the glass front doors that led outside.

He had started down the sidewalk before he heard the voice of one of his security guards catching up with him.

"Apollo! You need to let me take you home."

He glanced at him for a moment, turning back for the sidewalk.

"The fuck I do."

"This storm is bad. One of the worst this year. Let me-"

The guard grabbed his arm, and Apollo turned quickly, his fist connecting with the side of his face before he thought twice of it. His knuckles stung, cut open from the punch. He wiped the blood off on his jeans, staring at the man who'd been with him the entire tour. Kept paparazzi off of his back, and watched the crowds at his concerts.

But he couldn't come up with a hint of remorse. He was back to where he'd been with Vega. Feeling nothing.

Because, now, he had nothing. 

Music. But what did that amount to now?

His music needed her. And there was no her anymore.

The realization pooled in his stomach, and he turned back to the sidewalk.

Black anger colored the edges of his vision, blotting out everything else.

His feet carried him all the way to the front steps of the O'Conner house, and he sat down hard on the concrete. Rain fell so heavily, the street was rendered invisible.

He wanted to cry. He wanted something. Feeling. Anything other than the fury that took him down to his core. 

He wasn't even sure what he was angry at.

Besides himself.

I should have told her. I should have-

"Apollo?"

Sparrow's voice cut through his inner monologue, and he managed to pull his eyes away from the blinding rain and onto Harpia's mother. She took a tentative step out of the house toward him, her voice soft and her eyes rimmed with red.

"What are you doing out here? It's two in the morning."

Apollo dropped his head into his hands, his words coming out in a rush.

"I'm fucking sorry, Sparrow. For hurting her.

If I could take it back, I would.

And I'm sorry that she's gone. I'm sorry that I lost her."

Sparrow looked at him in confusion, walking out and sitting on the concrete steps at his side.

"What are you talking about?

You didn't lose her... She was telling me about seeing you last night this morning. And how happy she was. And how things were going to be okay.

I'm sure she's still going to feel the same when she wakes up, Apollo. She loves you."

Sparrow had been rubbing Apollo's shoulder with her hand, like she was comforting a child. He reached up, grabbing her hand with his, his eyes blank.

"When she wakes up?"

Sparrow's confused expression grew even more so.

"Yes...? She's in the hospital, not dead.

She was technically dead for around five minutes, but the paramedics were able to restart her heart. She's in the ICU."

Apollo dropped Sparrow's hand, instantly getting to his feet. He started down the steps, but stopped at the sound of her voice.

"They won't let you in. She's in a coma. And it's the middle of the night.

Why don't you come inside and get some sleep and we'll both go in the morning?"

Sparrow started crying, her voice cracking as she spoke. Apollo shoved his hands in his pockets, but continued to walk in the direction of the hospital.

"They'll let me in. I know someone who can make sure of that."

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"This is stupid. She isn't going to magically wake up because you're in there. And I have better things I could be doing right now."

Apollo glared at Icarus out of the corner of his eye.

"Like what? Flying too close to the sun?"

Icarus rolled his eyes, staring down the hallway at the nurses who were at the station for the ICU.

"That wasn't funny when I was a kid, and it still isn't funny now.

Shouldn't you be crying about your girlfriend and not making jokes about my name? She might never wake up, you know."

Apollo resisted punching him in the throat.

"Can you just do what I asked you to do?

She's going to wake up. I know she is."

Icarus sighed, smoothing his hair down as he walked toward the nurses station next to his brother. He leaned against the counter with both hands, cracking a smile at the pretty blonde nurse in pink scrubs left at the station.

"Hey there. Could you possibly do me a favor and let me and my brother in to see my friend?

Her name is Harpia O'Conner and I've been terribly worried about her. We'll be out in an hour or so."

He reached out with a hand, pressing his fingertips against the skin of hers.

Her eyes went glossy and she returned his smile, standing up.

"Of course! Right this way."

She began to walk down the hall and Apollo hung back, shaking his head.

"Why'd you get to be the one who could do something like that?

And then there's me. Crushing shit like the Hulk."

Icarus clapped his shoulder, starting back the way they had come.

"Make it as quick as you can, dude. She's the only one I was able to touch and if anyone else sees you in there, you're fucked.

I gotta get going.

And you... Good luck."

The corner of Icarus' lips lifted in the slightest hint of a smile and he disappeared around the corner toward the exit. Apollo froze outside the door to Harpia's room, tracing his fingertips over the 4 written on the door.

"Now... she probably won't be able to hear you-"

Apollo nodded, stepping through and shutting the door of the room in the nurse's face before she could say anything else.

Harpia looked tiny on the hospital bed. An IV was in the top of her hand, and what little of her face that wasn't obscured by the tube coming out of her throat was black and blue. He pulled the chair that was next to her bed as close as he could get to her and dropped into it.

His hand found hers, and her skin was cold. He didn't know if she was supposed to be cold. He didn't know what he was supposed to say, or how he was supposed to act.

He was alone in a hospital room with a Harpia who was more broken than any of the others he'd known. He leaned over her, brushing a stray hair that had fallen into her face, out of it.

"When you told me you'd see me today, I didn't think it would be like this."

He was surprised at how hoarse his voice sounded. Clearing his throat only brought a semblance of clarity to it when he spoke again.

"They told me that you can't hear me. But I don't believe that.

They also told me you might not wake up, and I don't believe that either."

He ran a hand through his hair, looking at the heart monitor she was hooked up to. The jumping green line was ominous in a way. As if it represented the thin line she was on between this world and the next. He looked back at her, putting her hand in both of his.

"You're going to wake up. I know that as much as I know everything else I've come to realize.

I've figured out so much shit I haven't gotten to tell you.

You don't get to die on me before you hear it."

Apollo scoffed, looking at the heart monitor again.

"Maybe you can't hear me. But I'm going to tell you everything anyway.

I've realized that when you laugh, you sound like your mother. And when you cry, you sound like her too."

Apollo shook his head, rubbing the back of her hand with his fingertips.

"And it killed me every time you cried. Even when I was pissed off. It was like you stuck an ice pick in my chest. I'd have done anything to make you stop crying.

And right now, I'd do anything just to see you cry."

He stopped, clearing his throat. The numbness he'd felt since Onyx had called him was ebbing into something else. Something he had never felt before.

"Anyway...

I've also realized that you leave people so they can't leave you. You were the first girl out of all those kids, and your parents love you, but you were the one that took the back burner to everyone else's problems.

Dean left you while you were still together, and then he punished you for noticing that.

Amos left you...

And I fucking left you too.

I see it now. I see that you are terrified of being alone.

Everyone leaves you and I'm fucking sorry that I was one of them.

But I promise you, Harpia. When you wake up, when you make it through this, I'll never leave you again.

I'll stay with you as long as I exist."

He got to his feet, and the only reason he realized he was crying was because of the wetness that spotted her blanket as he leaned to kiss her forehead.

"You're in every song I write and every show I play.

I'd know the entirety of your body with my eyes closed, and the color of your eyes is burned so deeply in my mind that I could never forget it even if I tried.

You're my purpose in this life.

I've known it for a long time, I just couldn't give you the words straight to your face. But you'd find it in my songs. 

I did."

He brushed the back of his hand along her cheek, taking a deep breath. He saw all those memories from the night before as he spoke, his chest aching with the possibility of what could be. And for what had been.

"I'm in love with you, Harpia. I think I always have been."

He reached for her hand again, squeezing it with both of his. As he walked over to the door, he pressed his thumbs to the corners of his eyes to make sure the wetness had dissipated. He slid the door open when he reached it, and paused to look back at her broken frame one more time.

"I'll never stop. 

I promise."

And as he walked out the door, he couldn't be sure, but he swore he saw that green line jump the moment he'd said those words.

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For a moment
I'm a poet without words
Speechless because you love me at my worst
I don't deserve this
I let it surface
And all I know is today I woke up falling in love again